The DiNozzo Diaries
by rekkidbraka
Summary: Special Agent Tony DiNozzo's most private thoughts and desires revealed, chapter by chapter. TIVA. Warning: Intense sexual content in some chapters. No slash. PART 1 COMPLETE. CONTINUES IN PART 2.
1. Dear Diary

Title: The DiNozzo Diaries

Author: rekkidbraka

Rating: T

Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.

Category: Romance

Disclaimer: No infringement intended.

Spoilers: From final two eps. of Season 6

Summary: Tony's most private thoughts and desires revealed

-------------------- The DiNozzo Diaries ---------------------

Women.

Man, I love women.

That's not totally the reason I got into this special agent gig but... okay, yeah, it's a BIG part of why I opted for the cool badge and gun instead of taking the nine-to-five desk jockey "I-have-a-meeting-about-today's-meeting-and-did-you-get-my-memo-about-the-meeting-later?" route.

See, women love the badge. And the gun. And the guy who has them.

And I'm that guy.

You do the math.

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

But here's the thing: I'm in a major slump. Haven't even been to first in more than a year. Hell, I haven't even gotten out of the batter's box.

Not since Jeanne. I loved her. But that's finished. No do-overs. Not with her. Not ever.

It's not like I don't want to ... be with someone new. I do. Absolutely.

Jeanne's gone, not coming back and even if she did... there's too much we'd have to try working out -- big things, serious things that... really? ... I don't think we could work out no matter how much we'd want to. She blames me for her father's death. And I blame me, too. I know he was a liar - evil, terrible thug guy - but... he was her father and she loved him. Didn't know that side of him. Like she didn't know the real me - Special Agent Tony DiNozzo, who was lying to her about the man I was -- just like her dad did his whole life.

He used her. I used her. We both proved to her that we were top-notch liars.

Thing is, he's dead now. And I'm just feeling that way.

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

So this chick that I was talking to about ... my problem ... told me that she's an expert at this stuff. It's, um, been her "business" to know what guys want, if you get my drift. Anyway, her point was that it isn't that I want Jeanne back or I want to hit the sack with all these girls I've been dating (and striking out with, bigtime). She said that I just haven't found the right woman -- yet -- and that's my problem. That's why I'm blowing it with every woman I've dated in the past year. Like, I'm doing it on purpose deep down because I don't really want to be with them. I want to be with this "right woman," whoever she is.

Then Ziva interrupted us when we were coming out of the elevator and that was that. End of convo.

If the "right woman" isn't Jeanne, then who the hell is she?

Wasn't Kate or Paula. They were too damn good for me. Abs? GOD, no. Be like kissing my sister. If I had a sister.

That would leave You Know Who. Except that she hates my guts and, oh yeah, every other part of my anatomy right now and she's my partner -- was my partner -- which means I'd be breaking Rule No. 12 and her taste in guys apparently starts and ends with sleazy hairball double-agent scumbags who would've killed me if I hadn't killed them first. Oh, and did I mention that sleazy hairball double-agent scumbag guy sure did look like he tried his damndest to kill her back in the day? No? Gee... sorry. Slipped my mind. These things happen.

See why I'm kinda confused? Yeah. Thought so.


	2. Moving Right Along

Title: The DiNozzo Diaries: Moving Right Along

Author: rekkidbraka

Rating: T

Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.

Category: Romance; Humor

Disclaimer: No infringement intended.

Spoilers: None

Summary: Tony's most private thoughts and desires revealed, chapter by chapter

-------------------- The DiNozzo Diaries: Moving Right Along ---------------------

Lemme set the scene for you...

It's around 8 o'clock Friday night, my favorite Italian restaurant in Georgetown (great view of each year's fresh crop of coeds running to class from the front window booths) and I'm already done for the night. Through. Crashed and burned. Finito.

Oh, she'll say everything's FINE, just FINE, but it's not. She's already picking at whatever the hell salad she ordered, you know? Acting like croutons are suddenly just the most fascinating food created by mankind and I'm sitting there across the table, playing 'Jenga' with the breadsticks. Then comes the little moment when we look at each other, grin like idiots and in about fifteen minutes I'm saying "Check, please." I pay up and we walk out. I offer her the ride home and she's Miss Manners, with the "Thanks, Tony, but I don't want you to go to any more trouble, REALLY, and gas is so expensive. I'll just catch a cab." I tell her I'll call her, but I won't. She says that would be great but she's praying I'll forget her phone number and she can't wait to get away from me.

Just another night in the hot dating life of Anthony DiNozzo, single guy who used to not SUCK at this.

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

I blame Jeanne.

Falling in love with someone just wrecks you for trying to date other women.

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

OK, so it's not really fair to blame Jeanne for my being a screw-up with women now. Because I was a screw-up when I dated her. But she didn't bail on me. Then again, even if she'd tried, I'd have had to keep after her because of the whole 'You Don't Know This But My REAL Boss, The NCIS Director, Hates Your Gun-Running Old Man Who You Also Don't Know Is Running Guns And, Oh By The Way, Here's Something You ALSO Don't Know -- I'm Not The Guy I'm Pretending To Be Because I'm Really A Federal Agent Who Was Assigned To Date You' thing. I mean, that did kinda impact the decisions I made about our relationship. With her, I got to where I didn't screw up. Until I screwed up bigtime by actually telling her the truth about everything. Most women love it when a guy does that but, to be fair, their boyfriends haven't spent a year lying to them about their name, their job and... pretty much their whole reason for being with them in the first place. You can see why she was less than impressed.

But hey, Jeanne hates me because - ha! - I'm such a liar and she's gone for good. It's over. For the best. Probably wouldn't have worked, anyway. I loved her but... truth is, it never felt totally right between us. The whole 'lying to her' thing might've had a little something to do with that. And I hated lying to everyone at NCIS about my relationship with her, especially Ziva... I hate lying to Ziva about anything. MAN, she was jealous of Jeanne -- and they never even met when I was telling everyone I had a girlfriend. Ziva just hated that I was seeing someone, you know, seriously for a change. Yeah, she tried to act like it was no big deal but I could tell. She was jealous. Hated me being with another woman. I have to say I didn't mind her wanting what she couldn't have.

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Couldn't ever tell Jeanne about Ziva. Well, I mean, obviously I couldn't because Jenny would've killed me for blowing cover and the whole mess with Jeanne and her father would've blown up in my face sooner than it did but still... I think if Jeanne had known what I really did for a living, if she knew I was NCIS and had a partner? She'd have been pissed about me spending so much time with Ziva. GOD, I'd have never heard the end of it about being with Ziva day in and day out. If Jeanne had gotten one LOOK at Ziva... Cue HELL breaking loose.

They don't call it a 'partnership' for nothing, y'know. You get close. Really, I'm probably closer to Ziva than any other woman I've ever known -- yeah, even Kate and Kate and I had gotten pretty darn close. Even closer than Paula and I were and Paula and I... well, yeah... WE were close.

Ziva, though... She just gets me. Yeah, I mean, Jeanne 'got me,' too, which was always weird to me because she seemed totally out of my league. Not that I didn't think I could land a smart, hot doctor but she could get... I don't know... kinda freaky and it didn't seem like she was that type - the freaky type. The whole 'tagging' thing? Freaky. Cute and I liked it but freaky. Creepy, even. Maybe. She liked my fuzzy handcuffs a little _too_ much, actually. Weird.

Ziva doesn't do freaky so much. I mean, I don't think she does. OK, I don't know if she does. Maybe Abby knows. I'll ask. But I respected Ziva right off the bat when I first met her and we both were admiring the centerfold of the month's... uh... positioning... in the September 2005 issue of GSM. I had to hide those mags around Jeanne and no way in HELL would she have ever backed up my claim that chicks really DO enjoy that kind of... uh... positioning. See, Ziva is cool with that and she doesn't back down from it and it's one of the things I ... um... it's...

... it's something that's special about her. Kinda like the way she sleeps with that Glock under her pillow. Crazy chick.

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Guess I should get over the whole 'Jeanne's gone' thing and move on. I think I have and I think I started the healing process when Vance made me Agent Afloat on the USS Seahawk last year. Little tough to spend your days whining about a broken heart when you're showering with 20 other hairy guys every morning, trying not to think about your... um... possible shortcomings.

Those three bikini shots of Ziva I kept in that hot box they called my 'office' on that tub? They helped, too.


	3. Dream Lover

Title: The DiNozzo Diaries: Dream Lover

Author: rekkidbraka

Rating: T

Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.

Category: Romance; Humor

Disclaimer: No infringement intended.

Spoilers: None

Summary: Tony's most private thoughts and desires revealed, chapter by chapter

-------------------- The DiNozzo Diaries: Dream Lover ---------------------

_No matter how hard I try, I cannot get out of these handcuffs._

_Trapped... _

_Can't move my arms from over my head. Can't see anything with this blindfold on. _

_I'm helpless... _

_Just how I like it._

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Ever since my first night on the Seahawk, I've been having that dream -- about the handcuffs, the blindfold -- and it's been... AWESOME!

Best sex I've had in over a year.

OK... ONLY sex I've had in over a year.

Whoever she is, she's a master of the art of seduction. Also of making it so no matter how I try, I CANNOT break out of my fuzzy handcuffs. And, trust me, after that one time back in college when the chick from Tri-Delt got wigged out and left me cuffed for a whole DAY when her meathead boyfriend from Tappa Tappa Kegga or wherever busted into the frat house looking for her? And my frat brothers took all those Polaroids to show the pledges? Yeah, you BET I jiggered those suckers so I could pull a Houdini and make my escape in a pinch.

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

She's always on top.

That's how SHE likes it.

She's never wearing the handcuffs. Or the blindfold. She's always in control.

That's how I like it.

I love that she never takes advantage of my being helpless when we're together in my dream. She's always really tender with me and even though I'm into being handcuffed, I'd like to hold her. And see her. And be the one who makes love to _her_ sometimes.

What's weird is, every time I have this dream, I feel like she's wanting all that, too. I know she is. I just wish I knew who _she_ is.

Sometimes I think I might. But, hey, why ruin a good thing?

I'll be seeing her tonight. Or... heh... not.


	4. It's Easier To Hide

Title: The DiNozzo Diaries: It's Easier To Hide

Author: rekkidbraka

Rating: T

Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.

Category: Romance; Humor

Disclaimer: No infringement intended.

Spoilers: None

Summary: Tony's most private thoughts and desires revealed, chapter by chapter

-------------------- The DiNozzo Diaries: It's Easier To Hide ---------------------

_"So there's this really hot movie showing tonight... in my bedroom, starring YOU."_

_"I would ask what a nice girl like you is doing in a place like this but, let's face it, we both know you're not really a NICE girl."_

_"Now I know this suit looks fantastic on me but all day I've been thinking about slipping into something more comfortable -- like you."_

_"You busy later? Wanna pick up a pizza and catch a movie at my place? Just hang out or something? I mean, if you don't already have plans."_

Go with that last one, Anthony. Guaranteed to not totally bomb, only to 99.9999-percent bomb.

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

OK, it didn't bomb. Not totally. It was more like one of those little caps you pop off when you're a kid? The ones that go WAP! WAP! WAP! and smoke up when you snap them on the street or wherever.

I asked her. And she didn't respond.

It wasn't like I expected an answer. Hey, it's been awhile since I _seriously_ tried asking out a woman who I think I'd like to have a real relationship with and, well, okay so... yeah... she intimidates me. Kind of. Sort of. A little. In a good way. A sexy way.

But, hey, whatever. I asked, she never said anything in response and I spent last Friday night watching "The Thomas Crown Affair" alone. Got that pizza all to myself, though, and it was damn good. Did Faye Dunaway really think Steve McQueen was gonna... You know what? Forget it. I've seen this movie 829 times and I always ask the same question about the end so why ask again? It always ends the same, it's not gonna change and I'll never get why that chick doesn't understand Steve's thinking.

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

I can't lie. It hurt that she never said "yes" or "no" to me asking her out.

What hurt the most was that I knew she wasn't going to say anything but I asked anyway. Because I felt like if I didn't ask, I'd never even put it out there -- the question, I mean.

I was scared to ask. Scared to ask... her.

DAMMIT, we've talked all the time about everything -- okay, almost everything -- and I can't ask her for pizza and a movie at my place? What the hell is wrong with THAT picture?

And that's why I made myself do it. Maybe I looked like an idiot. Yeah, I know I looked ridiculous. But I had to hear myself say the words to her. I had to know I could get them out.

So I did. And I'm glad. But it hurts like hell.

Maybe, just maybe, if Ziva comes back... I'll be ready to say them to her. Until then, I'll keep asking her photo.

Practice makes perfect. Or pizza one Friday if I'm lucky, right?


	5. Oh, You Handsome Devil

Title: The DiNozzo Diaries: Oh, You Handsome Devil

Author: rekkidbraka

Rating: T

Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.

Category: Romance; Humor

Disclaimer: No infringement intended.

Spoilers: None

Summary: Tony's most private thoughts and desires revealed, chapter by chapter

-------------------- The DiNozzo Diaries: Oh, You Handsome Devil ---------------------

The new suit looks great on me. It should. Cost enough. But if you want to look like a million bucks you gotta break the bank. Not spend like a _million_ _bucks_ on a suit but hundreds -- at least. I guess you could buy off the McRack if you're going for the McGeek look.

Wait... He looks like that on _purpose?_

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Ahhhh ... New suit. New haircut. New cologne. New deodorant. Looking, feeling and... _*sniff*_ ... smelling good.

Time to unleash the new Tony DiNozzo on an unsuspecting female populace.

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Impressed. Just like I knew she'd be. OK, well, not like I knew _she_ in particular would be because I didn't know her but she was impressed, anyway. Yeah, it was the suit. The hair, too. Couldn't take her eyes off me. When they stare like that you know you've got 'em hooked. Should've reeled her in when I had the chance, I guess. I think. But I don't know... something was missing between us -- that initial spark, y'know? Maybe I wasn't reading the signs right. Oh, God... I'm losing my touch. I'm turning into ... McGEE!

Because when I flashed the smile and asked if I couldn't please please _please_ still get the matinee ticket price even though it was five past six, that chick wasn't budging an inch. They usually give. I mean, c'mon -- new suit here? The smile? Hello?

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Don't know if I like the new Tony as much as I thought I would. The old Tony wouldn't have let that ticket chick make him pay full price. New Tony knuckled under. Old Tony would've remembered to flash the badge along with the smile and say he was looking for a suspect in a case who had a predilection for hanging around movie theaters, preferably those showing the new "Terminator" sequel. So Old Tony would need to get into the theater to make sure all was clear. New Tony left the badge at home and had to fork over cash for the new "Terminator" -- oh, and New Tony didn't bring enough extra for the giant popcorn, Coke and Twizzler mega-combo so he had to fill up at the water fountain and now his new suit? Is all wet.

New Tony sucks.

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

And another thing I already hate about New Tony: He's in bed by 10 o'clock every night -- alone. Oh, GIBBS loves that about New Tony because New Tony's the first guy at work in the morning and the last to leave each night. Yeah, he's a loser. Old Tony would've had a field day with that. Old Tony had a life and went to the club and didn't know what it was to be in bed by 10 or to be in bed alone most of the time and Old Tony had dates and hot sex and he even had a girlfriend for a while and then he didn't but while all of that was going on, no matter what else he screwed up in his life, Old Tony? He always had Ziva. Now he -- okay, I -- have her picture. That's it.

New Tony has left all that in the past now because Old Tony wanted to start fresh. But I got a cool new suit out of the whole thing, my hair looks great and the Director didn't wrinkle his nose at me earlier today at work when I debuted the new cologne. So all is not lost.

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_


	6. Everything Reminds Me Of Her

Title: The DiNozzo Diaries: Everything Reminds Me Of Her

Author: rekkidbraka

Rating: T

Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.

Category: Romance; Humor

Disclaimer: No infringement intended.

Spoilers: None

Summary: Tony's most private thoughts and desires revealed, chapter by chapter

-------------------- The DiNozzo Diaries: Everything Reminds Me Of Her ---------------------

You flip open that phone again, Anthony, you're treading dangerously close to entering McGee territory. _'Abandon all hope, ye who enter here...' _But I can't really pull off the pathetic Probie look so I think I'm good. Whew... close one.

If she's gonna call, she'll call. If not, hey -- it's not like she hasn't already NOT called for the past... what? ... month? Three weeks? Two weeks? I've lost track. Seems like forever. All I know is, she isn't calling me, that's for damn sure. So the hell with it.

Work. Got plenty of that. The Boss is on me to get this backlog of case files updated and entered into the system -- total Probie job, just screaming McGee's name -- oh and did I mention that because a certain SOMEONE isn't here anymore I've gotta update and input all HER old cases into the system, too? HA! More fun than a barrel of monkeys..._ flinging CRAP!_

And just look at Probie-Wan, going to lunch today with Vance, dressed in his Big Boy suit. Paid too much for it, obviously. Didn't know Probie-Go-Round could pull down that much for drip-dry polyester. Hmmm... Yeah, don't get smug 'cause you're the Director's golden boy, McSuckUp. Oh, the stories I could tell him about your days as a wee Probie... heh heh heh... like that time you had the itching... YEEEEEEAH, those files! Heh... ON 'em, Boss.

_Damn... no calls. Is this thing on?_

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Got back from my run tonight and it's hot as hell out there. I'm not just talking about the chicks in those tight little bra things. The sun's down and it's like an oven. Had to take two showers.

I ran by this girl in the park who had long black hair, pulled back in a ponytail, and it was kind of swinging while she jogged. Followed her for a while. Man, she was fast; had to work to keep up. Maybe I oughta lay off the Sno-Balls outta the vending machine. Don't wanna pinch an inch like McGoo. Anyway, this girl... she was fast and strong -- I mean, she wasn't even getting tired, just kept going and going -- and I never caught up to see her face, you know? How she looked. Just saw that black hair of hers... Couldn't stop thinking about her all through my run, that ponytail... how she pulled her hair back... her eyes... never seen eyes that brown...

Really thought the second shower would get her off my mind. Now I'm just freezing cold and wanting her even more. How the hell did _that_ happen?

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Why didn't she come back with us? Does she hate me _that_ much?

I've gotta make this right. She's gotta know I was protecting her. Doesn't she know that? Oh, well, even if she does the old man's gonna make sure I look like the bad guy and that bastard looks like the hero. Rivkin... he didn't really _know_ her... didn't _love_ her, not really, not like he should have... just used her... only wanted to make sure he could get whatever information he...

Jeanne, I am so sorry. _God_, I am so, _so_ sorry. For everything. I wish you'd never met me, too.

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

OK, Tony, face it: She's gone. Not coming back. Hates you, too. Nice job.

I gotta let her go... It's over.

Alright... okay... So what if we'd let it happen? What if I hadn't acted like I didn't want her and didn't give a damn and was too cool to be with her? Well, for one thing, she MIGHT NOT BE GONE.

That night we spent undercover in the hotel, pretending to be the married spy couple... I watched her sleeping because I sure as hell couldn't sleep since she snores like an asthmatic sailor. But I just... I couldn't stop looking at her there next to me, so close. It was all I could do not to touch her, y'know? Push that long black hair out of her face...

I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to wake her up and let her know I was right there and she looked so beautiful. I wanted to make love to her. _Really_ make love to her. Not just pretend like we'd been doing.

Thing was, I wasn't sure how much we'd been pretending. Now I'm not sure if we've been fooling ourselves all along.

And I'm not gonna find out.

Dammit, Ziva, I _miss_ you. Come home.

Please just... come home.


	7. Nothing Gold Can Stay

Title: The DiNozzo Diaries: Nothing Gold Can Stay

Author: rekkidbraka

Rating: T

Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.

Category: Romance; Angst

Disclaimer: No infringement intended.

Spoilers: None

Summary: Tony's most private thoughts and desires revealed, chapter by chapter

-------------------- The DiNozzo Diaries: Nothing Gold Can Stay ---------------------

I miss Ziva. I won't lie. I miss the way she looked... the way she smelled -- don't know what that perfume was but it was so sexy... her mangling of English slang... how she'd stare at me from her desk...

DAMMIT, why didn't she come back with us? Yeah, I know. Because of me. Couldn't stand the thought of being anywhere near me anymore. Hates me. Well, she's not alone in that. You got a way with women, Anthony. Maybe you should ask Probie for advice on how to NOT piss off chicks.

Did I just say that? Yeah... Yeah, I did. And it's true. Christ...

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Hung out with Abby in the lab today. Got her take on all this and she says Ziva will get over it -- just give her time to heal and then she'll call, write, come home. Said the problem with all us guys is that we want women to not get all emotional over things when we hurt them but then we give them hell when we think they're not being sensitive enough -- you know, when we say they're being ice princesses or cold to us or whatever.

Huh?

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

You know that scene in "The Outsiders" when Matt Dillon is coming on to Diane Lane at the drive-in, except that she gets mad as hell because he's being a total jerk but, really, he's just trying to get her attention because he thinks she's hot and wants to get to know her better and the truth is, she wouldn't give him time of day if he _wasn't_ acting like a jackass?

See, I know where he's coming from. It's like this: A chick will get mad when you kick the back of her chair at the movies and she'll tell you to quit it but if you quit, you'll never really get that shot at meeting her and then you'll never date her and who knows what might've happened if you'd gotten with her, right?

It's not always that we're being jerks when we're acting that way. We're just being guys. We're kicking the back of your chair because it's easier than trying to figure out a way to talk to you right outta the box. 'Cause we almost _always_ screw _that_ up and you blow us off forever, then, like we're losers.

So here's the thing: Is kicking your chair so bad, really? C'mon...

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Remember how that scene ended? How Diane Lane let Matt Dillon know she'd had enough when she threw that Coke in his face and called him a "greaser" and even then he kept pushing it, trying to put his arm around her and kiss her and that other guy -- the "Karate Kid" kid -- finally called him off? It's like Matt Dillon just never knew when to cut his losses and lay off Diane Lane right then. Kicking the chair wasn't enough. He didn't know the meaning of the word "quit."

Well, I kicked Ziva's chair one time too often, alright. And she threw the Coke in my face. Bigtime.

And maybe I gotta just learn to clean myself up, call it a night with this chick and exit stage left.


	8. Somebody That I Used To Know

Title: The DiNozzo Diaries: Somebody That I Used To Know

Author: rekkidbraka

Rating: T

Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.

Category: Romance; Angst

Disclaimer: No infringement intended.

Spoilers: None

Summary: Tony's most private thoughts and desires revealed, chapter by chapter

-------------------- The DiNozzo Diaries: Somebody That I Used To Know ---------------------

Abby says it's time I looked back at the women in my life -- yeah, right, Abs... that shouldn't take long -- and really thought about what went wrong with the ones I actually cared about. Guess that does kinda narrow it down, huh?

So that leaves... OK, well, technically I care about Abby and I cared about Kate. But Abby's talking about the women I've had relationships with. Y'know... sex. Or, as she put it, 'Time to tackle those intimacy issues, Tony.' Then she made a crack about how she's been reading Cosmo lately and, yeah, she knows that's lame but she feels like she's got to -- for reasons she can't explain. Whatever... Think it's because the ICE Queen has moved in on McGoo. God knows why. I mean, I'm RIGHT here.

Anyway, Abs said I should make a list of the pros and cons about my relationships with the women I've cared about the most and that's gonna help me move past whatever it is that's keeping me from getting laid. OK, she didn't put it like _that_ but it's what she meant.

Should be a short list. Paula and Jeanne. That's about it.

Hmmm... Might wanna order a pizza.

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

OK, Paula. Paula Cassidy. Pros and cons...

Pros... Oh, my GOD she was CRAZY! I'm talking at least as crazy as me and THAT is crazy. Hey, I _know_ me! From the first time I met her down in Gitmo, I knew we were gonna get along juuuuust fine. And, oh yeah, we did. We got along a lot. In a lot of, um, weird positions. Heh. The cool thing about Paula was, she was always totally OK with having a good time. Didn't need more from me than something physical. You know what was weird? Couple times I was with her, I thought it might be good if she _did_ want more from me. I just wondered what it would be like, y'know, to be Paula's guy? _Really_ be with her? Make things kinda serious? But she wouldn't let us go there. Maybe she couldn't let it happen. Not sure.

Cons... Nobody could play harder to get than Cassidy. She loved having me on the string, getting me all hot for her and then cutting me off. Always a tease, that chick. Why do women _do_ that? Maybe it's a turn-on for them but it just hurts us. I'm talking, like, real pain. OK, so it's sorta sexy when you can't get a hot girl into bed right away but ... Paula always knew which of my buttons to push. She liked pushin' em. Among other things.

_Damn_, I miss you, Paula. You just... you _got_ me, y'know? You were a hell of a lot of fun.

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Jeanne.

Jeanne Benoit.

_Doctor_ Jeanne Benoit.

Ahhhh... Let's see... The pros...

She was sweet... smart... funny -- she's the only woman who actually liked my sense of humor or even understood it, y'know? -- and beautiful. God, she was gorgeous. She wanted me from the start, too. Didn't have to play games with her. Yeah, that's a good one, Tony. The whole _thing_ was a game. Jeanne just wanted to _be_ with me. She thought I was a great guy, the kind of guy she could spend her life with.

Cons? Mmmm... Well, there was the part about her old man being an arms dealer and me being ordered to help get the info to bring him down. But that's not a "con" I can put on her. I mean, she didn't know anything about that. There was the thing where she wouldn't exactly break it off with the stalker ex-boyfriend. Guess she took care of it because he finally quit calling and bugging her. Wonder what happened to him? Maybe he got the message. I dunno. She could be kinda needy sometimes -- wanted more from me than I guess I was willing -- or, really, able -- to give but we've all acted like that before when we fell for someone. I don't think she ever totally trusted me. Can't call that a "con," either. She shouldn't have trusted me at all.

I loved you, Jeanne. I really did. And I never thought that could happen to me. But it did. It was great. You were great. I miss you. I guess there's always gonna be some little piece of my heart that you're gonna have, no matter what I do or who I'm with, right? Because before you came along, I'd never been in love. And you hate me now. And you should.

And I've gotta let you go so I can move on with my life. I haven't been able to really do that up to now but it's time.

I loved you, Jeanne. But it's over. I hope you find a guy who can really make you as happy as you deserve to be.

It's just... that guy? Isn't me. Sometimes over the last year or so, I wished we could've made it work but I know now -- we couldn't. We can't. We never will. What we had? It's dead.

I'm sorry.

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Ziva?

Not on this list. Nothing there. We're done. Never got started.

But if I were gonna make a list of "our" pros and cons...

No. Screw that. The hell with her.

She bailed on me. On us. On _all_ of us. Won't write anyone. Can't be bothered to pick up the damn phone even to check in or say hi or "Go to hell, Tony" or anything?

And besides, we were never together. Not like that. So, hey, she doesn't count.

She's _off_ my list. For good.


	9. 10 Things I Hate About You

Title: The DiNozzo Diaries: 10 Things I Hate About You

Author: rekkidbraka

Rating: T

Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.

Category: Romance; Angst

Disclaimer: No infringement intended.

Spoilers: None

Summary: Tony's most private thoughts and desires revealed, chapter by chapter

-------------------- The DiNozzo Diaries: 10 Things I Hate About You ---------------------

Showed Abs my pros and cons lists about Paula and Jeanne and you know what? She laid into me -- said I didn't go ... what was it? ... oh yeah... 'deep enough within myself' or something. Gimme a BREAK!

What really pissed Abby off was me not doing a list for She Who Shall Not Be Named. Look, I told her -- couldn't make a list because there's nothing there. Nothing happened. Over before it started and BOY am I glad _we_ never got started. I mean, hey, how the _hell_ could I ever compare to her ex and _his_ psycho, federal agent-murdering macho man ways? Ha HA! I don't _THINK_ so!

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Oh, now Probie's on the "Tony, I think you're denying your feelings for... _YOU_ Know Who" train. Guess I know what he and Abs have been talking about during their lab play dates. Must not have worked out with the ICE Princess after all. Heh. She was waaaaaaaaay outta his league, anyway. Never understood that. She's obviously insane.

Yeah, he was over there earlier at his desk lecturing me on how I need to be honest with myself about my emotions and how it's okay for a guy to be the one who tells a woman he's falling for her. Ahhhh, Probie... sweet, innocent Probie... I HAD A GIRLFRIEND! I TOLD JEANNE I LOVED HER, DAMMIT! I WAS MR. SENSITIVE I-LOVE-YOU FOR HER LIKE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE, RIGHT?, AND WHAT DID IT GET ME? GOT MY HEART SMASHED, McGEE! THAT'S WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU FALL IN LOVE AND I'M NOT GONNA GO THERE AGAIN -- NOT WITH ANYONE, NOT EVER AGAIN! GET IT? GOT IT? GOOD! GAME OVER!

Thanks for playing, McWimpy. Now shut up.

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Abby wants a list? Fine. Whatever. Here ya go, Abs. I got your list right here.

"Allllll... Abouuuutttt... Ziiii-vaaaa... Da-viiiiiddddd.... Byyyyyyy... Annnn-thonnnnyyyyy... DiNohhh-zohhhh..."

OK, great. Lookin' good so far. Let's get started on The Ziva Top 10. Are we having fun yet? I know I sure am. This is me, Probie, getting in touch with my inner romantic. Take a picture. Kodak moment here. Get my good side.

Let's start with the cons 'cause there are sure a HELL of a lot of THOSE.

Number Ten: Ziva lies to the people she claims she gives a damn about. Ya gotta hate that in a chick. Lied to the Boss and Abby and McGee and the Director and ME about ole Kill Bill Rivkin. Check that one off, Abs, OK?

Number Nine: Ziva lies to us and then _doesn't_ come back to face the music. Heh... Yeaaaahhhh... REAL sweet. Classy with a capital "K," that move. Hangs us out to dry and then leaves us hangin'. And GET THIS -- Gibbs just LETS her do it! WHY?

Number Eight: Ziva lies to us, doesn't come back and doesn't call. Y'know, she acted so tough -- Little Miss Trained Mossad Assassin -- and she doesn't have the guts to ring us up? _*snicker*_ Right...

Number Seven: Ziva says my name way too much. "Tony... Tony... Tony... TONY... TONY!" Yeah, David, that's my name -- don't wear it out. "Okay, TONY, I will not." Who talks that way? C'mon...

Number Six: Oh! And Ziva mangles the English language all the time. Annoying as hell. I joke about it -- _joked_ about it -- with her but it really bugs me. Drives me crazy. So smart and she can't pick up our slang. Uh-huh. GLAD I don't have to hear her screw stuff up ever again. Glad I won't have to hear her voice, either.

Number Five: Ziva's jealous of me, like, with any other woman and she'd lie about that all the time, too. Hated it when I was seeing Jeanne. GOD, it drove her nuts that I was in love with someone el ... OK, yeah. Moving on.

Number Four: Ziva took that bastard's side instead of mine. That BASTARD Rivkin.

Number Three: Ziva blames me for Rivkin's death and the thing is, I was PROTECTING HER! FROM HIM! FROM THAT LYING, DOUBLE-CROSSING BASTARD! Oh, but I'M the bad guy -- I'M the S.O.B. who dared to confront him and call him out for what he was. DAMN you, Tony! DAMN you for caring about your partner!

Number Two: Ziva hates me.

Number One: Ziva's not coming back. And, Ziva, I hate YOU for that.

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Happy now, Abby? What about you, Probie? Glad I drilled down and tapped into My Hidden Inner Tony? Oh, it's been a blast, let me tell you. Remind me to thank both of you -- IN HELL!

Forget about me EVER asking either of you for advice again and...

... wait. Hold up. Is that my phone?

DAMMIT!

_Ziva! Oh my God..._

"Hello? Hello?!!! Ziva? ZIVA!!! Ziva, it's Tony... Ziva, don't..."

_Hung up. Nothing. No hello. Nothing._

_CALL HER BACK, DAMMIT! C'MON!_

_Ringing... Ringing... Still ringing... Ziva, please... PLEASE pick up... Please..._

_Ziva... _

_Ziva._


	10. Stretch Out And Wait

Title: The DiNozzo Diaries: Stretch Out And Wait

Author: rekkidbraka

Rating: T

Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.

Category: Romance; Angst

Disclaimer: No infringement intended.

Spoilers: None

Summary: Tony's most private thoughts and desires revealed, chapter by chapter

-------------------- The DiNozzo Diaries: Stretch Out And Wait ---------------------

_Ziva called._

_She called. And she couldn't... she wouldn't... say anything. To me._

_But she called._

_Why can't I just let her go?_

_Why should I care if she comes back? It's over. And there was never any "it"... right?_

_Ziva called. Me._

_She's my partner... my best friend..._

_She's gotta come home. I miss her. Ziva, just ... come home. I'm waiting. _

_Call back. Please.... Please..._

_Because... I want more. _

_I want you._

_...I hate it when McGee's right._


	11. Dirty Little Secret

Title: The DiNozzo Diaries: Dirty Little Secret

Author: rekkidbraka

Rating: T

Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.

Category: Romance; Angst

Disclaimer: No infringement intended.

Spoilers: None

Summary: Tony's most private thoughts and desires revealed, chapter by chapter

-------------------- The DiNozzo Diaries: Dirty Little Secret ---------------------

You know it's gonna be a good day at the office when the Boss brings everyone coffee. And a Caf-Pow for Abby.

Yeah, he didn't do that this morning. Well, Abs got her Caf-Pow but the rest of us got JACK! Thanks for _that_, Boss.

So, hey, being the swell guy I am, I went out and brought back coffee for the team. Pretty amazing, I know. Alright, so I got some of the drinks mixed up. You can't please everyone. McWhiny doesn't count. Just drink it, Mr. But I Wanted Non-Fat Non-Dairy Non-_Taste _Creamer!

Ahhhh... come to my lips, sweet nectar of the caffeine gods. Let me worship at the steaming altar of your... *THPPPPTTTTTTHHH!* *cough* *cough* DAMMIT, PROBIE! THIS IS YOUR ... WHATEVER THE... *cough* *wheeze* *choke* ... HELL IT IS! *hack* *cough* *gasp*

OK... that is IT for my good mood! And here I was, getting off the Long Face Express after last night's little heartfelt look deep within. Screw that. Probie, you owe me $2.50 for this... MILK-WATER!

_Damn... still no calls._

_Ziva, c'mon... come on..._

_The hell with this waiting around._

_I'm gonna find you.  
_

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

What the hell is in those Caf-Pows Abby mainlines? She just sent me like six emails that said I had to get down to her lab NOW RIGHT NOW and HURRY UP and TONY THIS IS HUGE and WHERE ARE YOU???????? Nobody needs to use that many question marks. Ever.

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Turned out that when Ziva's place went up like a Roman candle, the forensics team was able to save some stuff as evidence. Abs has had Ziva's things down in the lab for weeks now. Never said anything to me about it. Not word one. Not when she was getting me to make those lists -- and a hell of a lot of good _that_ did -- or when she was chewing me out about how I 'didn't care' that Ziva was gone. She doesn't know as much as she thinks she does.

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Lots of things of Ziva's to go through... Where do I start? Hmmm... Probably whatever isn't looking as black 'n' crispy as those steaks the old man used to serve every July 4th whenever he'd toss back a six-pack of longnecks and fire up the grill. Aaaahhh yeah, family memories... the stuff _nightmares_ are made of.

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Laptop's not here. Fried. McGeek couldn't even give it CPR so it musta been as dead as his sex life. Heh. Right. Like I should talk. Probie doesn't have to know that, though. He doesn't _know_ that, does he? Hope that chick didn't say anything. They talk. They _all_ talk. Never fails. Damn.

Okaaaay... Hmmmm... Clothes. Nothing sexy. Hell... Sexy before the big kaboom maybe? Books... Well, they _were_ books. Wonder if Ziva reads those romance novels you see in the grocery store where the guys always have their shirts ripped open and the chicks are always half-naked? I just _knew_ that Kate did. That Catholic schoolgirl act? Didn't fool me. Oh, I bet Ziva DOES TOO!

She DOES! Why, Ziva David, you little naughty minx ... Heh heh heh... Here we go -- ahhhh, this is good! See if I can... just... make... this... out... Ha HAAAAA!

_"... is a strange man. I have never met anyone like him, anywhere, in my many travels. A part of me does not want to allow myself to grow close to him but I cannot help feeling an attraction that I have no control over. I do not understand this. I do not trust this feeling. And I do not like it."_

WHOA! Sexxxxxxxxayyy... DAMN! Guess the first few pages didn't survive. Or the cover. Woulda liked to know what the title is. No title... weird.

_"He has the most lovely eyes of any man I have ever seen. I would enjoy staring into those beautiful green eyes for hours on end, given the opportunity."_

Blah blah... Where's the sex scene? C'mon...

_"... does not see me as a lover and, sometimes I feel, hardly even as a friend. It hurts me, knowing this."_

OK, I take it back. This one's a yawner.

_"... must never know what sacrifices I have made -- personal sacrifices -- as a means of gaining their complete trust. I fear that if the rest of the team found out -- and if T learned the truth, especially -- the damage would be irreparable. So far I have been safe. G has protected me as I knew he would. But T would hate me. How I would live with that reality I do not know. And there would be no reconciliation with my father. My life would be, in essence, ended as I knew it."_

The team? G? T?

_Oh my God..._

Abs and McGee went to lunch... She hasn't had time to tag 'n' bag everything...

Little Black Book, you're comin' home with me.


	12. Hangin' On The Telephone

Title: The DiNozzo Diaries: Hangin' On The Telephone

Author: rekkidbraka

Rating: T

Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.

Category: Romance; Angst

Disclaimer: No infringement intended.

Spoilers: None

Summary: Tony's most private thoughts and desires revealed, chapter by chapter

-------------------- The DiNozzo Diaries: Hangin' On The Telephone ---------------------

OK, let's start at the beginning, Ziva... Page one. I guess. Page one that isn't charbroiled.

_"... is a strange man. I have never met anyone like him, anywhere, in my many travels. A part of me does not want to allow myself to grow close to him but I cannot help feeling an attraction that I have no control over. I do not understand this. I do not trust this feeling. And I do not like it._

_J has assured me I can trust this man, and the others, as completely as I trust her but I cannot be sure of that. Not at this time. AS must be handled. I am not certain I can control him or his actions. It is obvious he let his personal feelings complicate his original mission in some way and now he cannot separate his anger -- at her -- from what he is tasked with accomplishing. I feel as if I have not fulfilled my obligations to him. He has been left alone without direction for too long and has lost his way._

_This man is not the AS I know. No longer, anyway. _

_J promises all will be taken care of. I can trust this man, she says. J has never lied to me. I trust her with my life and I must now do so again._

_This man despises me already, however. I am no replacement for her. This much I know. That is understood. She is special to this family. A great loss._

_What has happened to AS? He was once so loving, so protective..._

_I miss such security. Perhaps I will again find it. But until then, I must..."_

_PHONE! Ziva! Thank God..._

"Ziva? ZIVA?!!! DAMMIT, ZIVA, TALK TO ME! WHERE ARE YOU?!!! LISTEN..."

_No... NO... NO!_

_SCREW this! I'm callin' back..._

_Ringing... Ringing... COME ON, DAMMIT, ZIVA, PICK UP! COME ON! YES!_

"Ziva, it's Tony. Don't hang up. Just hear me out, OK? Look, Ziva... Ziva? [silence] Who's there? Hello? [silence] Who is this? [click]"

_Oh, God..._

_It's not her._


	13. Destination Unknown

Title: The DiNozzo Diaries: Destination Unknown  
Author: rekkidbraka  
Rating: T  
Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.  
Category: Romance; Angst  
Disclaimer: No infringement intended.  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Tony's most private thoughts and desires revealed, chapter by chapter

-------------------- The DiNozzo Diaries: Destination Unknown ---------------------

I'll give McGee this: The guy doesn't hold grudges.

Probie's been up all night, trying to trace back the origin of those calls I'm getting from... well, not from Ziva like I thought.

Y'know, I ride McGeek -- Tim -- a lot but truth is, he's a genius at what he does. If I'm gonna find out what's going on with Ziva, with these ... calls, he's gonna be a big part of that. Hey, he's my Probie. C'mon.

Definitely owe him a coffee. Maybe a donut, too.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Abs just called Probie and me down to her lab. She's been running that stuff from Ziva's place through all her toys there. Says that yeah, the explosive used was the type Mossad cooks up to blow evidence to bits but there's trace elements of some kinda foreign detonation device she's been unable to nail down so far. Lemme help you out there, Abby. One word: Rivkin.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

McGee and Abs are in. Gonna help me try to track down Ziva. We gotta do it on the sly, though. I'm already feeling like there's two people too many involved. But I gotta have help. There's too much at risk.

Because this isn't Ziva.

Something's wrong. I gotta know what it is.

But first I gotta know _where_ she is.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meeting with the Boss in an hour. This isn't gonna go well. Am I sweating? I'm sweating.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

What I don't understand is, the Boss didn't seem surprised. Didn't say no flat-out. Didn't give me hell. Didn't try to talk me out of it. Didn't say anything, really.

About 20 minutes later, he comes by my desk. Tells me he called in a favor to the L.A. team.

Guy named Sam's headed to D.C. to replace me.

I'm outta here.


	14. Eyes Without A Face

Title: The DiNozzo Diaries: Eyes Without A Face  
Author: rekkidbraka  
Rating: T  
Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.  
Category: Romance; Angst  
Disclaimer: No infringement intended.  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Tony's most private thoughts and desires revealed, chapter by chapter

-------------------- The DiNozzo Diaries: Eyes Without A Face ---------------------

_Don't ... Please... Oh God ... Please ... Don't ... Don't ..._

_Don't stop ... Yeaaahhh... Right there ... Mmmm-hmmm ... No... No... Baby... Leave... blindfold... mmmm... on..._

_Ahhhhhhhhhhhh... Yeaaaaaaaahhhhhhh... Ohhhhhhhhhhh ..._

_Ziva ... ZIVA!_

_Ziva._

_I love you... I love you._

_Ziva ..._

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mmmm... _*yawwwwnnnnn*_ Nothin' like a little power nap to recharge the ole batteries. OK, DiNozzo - final run-through before go-time. Got about... NO time to get to the airport. Hell...

_*sigh*_ Checklist. Let's see...

Month's vacay. Thank God for accrued time. I know Probie's gonna miss me. I'll miss him, too. NOT. Just kidding. NOT. Really. Kidding. This Sam guy from L.A. better not mess with the Probester. He's MINE. Wait... that didn't come out right. Anyway...

Check.

Ticket to Tel Aviv. First class. Hope the drinks are free. Hmmm ...

Check.

Passport. Ahhhh... Look at ALL those stamps. Johnny Cash has nothing on me. I'VE been everywhere.

Check.

The Dynamic Duo: Badge 'n' gun. Hey, babies. Oh yeah... Note to Self: Clear these with those airport security meatheads this time. That one guy was a little too excited about strip-searching me last time. He wasn't bad-looking. Put him in a nice suit and, hey, you never ... um... uh... c'mon, _FOCUS_, Anthony!

Yeeeeaaaahhh... Check.

Speaking of suits, I better get a couple of the best ones ready to rock. Don't wanna be underdressed for my second date with Daddy David. Heh. OK, seriously -- quit talking about going out with other guys, Tony. GOD, it's been forever. Since I was with a chick. Second Note to Self: You gotta stop hanging out with McGeek once you find Ziva. It's not normal. No 'Guys Night' should _ever_ end up with two men in aprons, making blueberry scones from scratch.

Check. And double-check on McMagic Chef. Not before I get that recipe for the scones, though.

Accessories... Shades. Gotta look good. iPod. Need my tunes. Laptop. What happens if I get the 'unhappy Mac' in Israel? Hmmm... Hope I don't find out. SUNTAN LOTION! Peeling is gross. Digital camera. I should really take more vacation pictures. This time Ziva won't be wearing a bikini. I don't know what you're doing right now, David, but when I track you down you're gonna be doing it in a lot less clothes. _*smile*_

Check.

Condoms.

Check.

Extra box of condoms.

Check. Heh heh...

OH! Toys. Come to papa, fuzzy wuzzys... Ha HA! Third Note to Self: Do NOT under ANY circumstances lose the KEY this time. God knows what they'll do to you in Israel if the housekeeper ... _finds_ you like that in the hotel bed. Can't have 'em call the Boss for an ID on me, either. Not again. Still paying for that one. Never gonna live it down. Now where'd that blindfold get to? Hell ... DAMN! DAMN! DAMN! HONEYDUST! Here we go. Oh! Feather-duster. Ah HA! Yes...

Check. And... ahhhh, there you are, blindfold! Check.

Cellphone. In case "she" calls. Cellphone charger! Better call The Pillsbury Probe-Boy to make sure this one'll work overseas.

Check. Hmmm... Better get that scones recipe from him, too.

Let's see... What am I missing? Anything? Hmmm...

Oh yeah...

Gonna be a long red-eye tonight. Need something to read. _*yawwwwwwwn*_ Helps me sleep.

Ahhhh... Well, hello, Little Black Book!

Check.

I'm good to go.

Let's roll.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Don't ... Please... Oh God ... Please ... Don't ... Don't ..._

_Don't stop ... Yeaaahhh... Right there ... Mmmm-hmmm ... No... No... Baby... Leave... blindfold... mmmm... on..._

_Ahhhhhhhhhhhh... Yeaaaaaaaahhhhhhh... Ohhhhhhhhhhh ..._

_Ziva ... ZIVA!_

_Ziva._

_I love you... I love you._

_Ziva..._

_No... No... Ziva... blindfold... ON... don't... take... off..._

_Ziva... no... NO... STOP... don't..._

_Ziva... ZIVA!_

_NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_

_JEANNE?!!!_


	15. Maneater

Title: The DiNozzo Diaries: Maneater  
Author: rekkidbraka  
Rating: T  
Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.  
Category: Romance; Angst  
Disclaimer: No infringement intended.  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Tony's most private thoughts and desires revealed, chapter by chapter

-------------------- The DiNozzo Diaries: Maneater ---------------------

_JEANNE?!!! _

JEANNE?!!!

Jeanne?

Oh my God...

Jeanne.

_*shiver*_

"Excuse me, Miss? Miss? Yes... Can... _*gasp*_ ... can I please have another blanket? Thank you..."

_*shiver*_

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I told the flight attendant I'm sorry. I didn't know I was screaming so loud.

Or screaming at all.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Turns out I didn't just wake up all of First Class. Coach hates me, too.

I need a drink. Or six.

"Excuse me, Miss? Another one, please. And make it a double. No, I'm... feeling better now. Thank you."

Liar.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ahhhh... that's good. Things go better with scotch. But no more sleeping. Ever. OK, just not until Tel Aviv. Definitely no more DREAMING. Anywhere. My God... _*shiver*_ Two blankets and I'm _still_ freezing. No one else looks cold. Hope I'm not getting sick. Vance said his kids were home from day camp with some bug last week. Great... just what I need -- nightmare flu in Israel. _*shiver*_

Still a few.. _*yawwwwwn*_ ... hours to go. Flight's never gonna end. So... where was I? Oh yeah...

_"What has happened to AS? He was once so loving, so protective..."_

OK, Ziva, who's "AS"? If "G" is the Boss and "J" was Jenny, who the hell is "AS"? Code name for Rivkin? Gotta be. He the one who hates you? Sounds like you're not hot for him either. How'd that change? Was Jenny setting all this up? Was Gibbs in on it? How the HELL far back does all this go? Who's the woman "AS" is so mad at? You? Jenny? Just some random chick? And what's she got to do with all this? Not following you, David. Gimme more. C'mon...

_"I miss such security. Perhaps I will again find it. But until then, I must continue my mission. Alone, now. I pray for guidance. AS has lied and kept dangerous secrets from Father and me. I believe it has been going on for much longer than the past few months. I should have known something was wrong when he did not contact us for so many months after meeting SA, who remained a mystery to all..."_

Wait -- "AS?" "SA?" I'm gonna need another drink. So confused... Might as well be drunk. Warming up a little now. Great scotch...

_"He did not seem happy with her..."_

"SA's" a chick. Cancel drink order. Is it Jenny? Nah... Jenny's "J" -- right? Yeah.

_"... from the few correspondences we had during that time. AS made her sound as if she wanted total control of him at all times - in all areas of his life, wanting more than he was able to give. At that time, he was still innocent..."_

Rivkin? Innocent? About as innocent as Ted Bundy was. Yeah, I'll have that drink after all.

_"Why he would not mention her by name, I cannot understand to this day. I believe AS feared her much more than he ever loved her. She sounded as if she were a sly, manipulative woman -- one who insinuated herself into his life, using the false promise of her love -- and obviously sex as well -- to entrap him into doing her bidding, into isolating himself from those closest to him so that she could dominate his life in every way as she broke down his defenses, his confidence in himself, his ability to free himself of her ..."  
_  
Sounds like one crazy chick. Your Psycho-Meter not working, "AS" -- I mean, Rivkin? Guess not. Sucked to be you.

_"In the end SA must not have been nearly as innocent and loving or kind as she initially appeared. She changed AS dramatically from the man he was before; he was suffering under her hand. But there was another tone to his letters, his communications, once he met AT. He was beginning, after a time, to sound more like the man I knew -- strong, independent, caring. He told me he was seeking a way to end his 'poisonous' relationship with SA. He sounded desperate to escape her. She, of course, was unwilling to let him go..."_

Ahhhh, Ziva... Ziva, Ziva, Ziva... You women are ALL wanting to hang onto us when guys start checking out those greener pastures. Unless we're named McGee. Heh heh heh... Or we smell. _*sniff*_ OK, good. Roll-on's still hanging in there. Whew.

_"AT was in danger from the start. There is no other conclusion. SA was -- perhaps still IS -- ruthless. If she still lives, she must be stopped. Before she destroys another man."_

Wow.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Black Book's gettin' interesting. Ziva, what the _hell_ are you onto? How do Jenny and the Boss figure into it? No way was Gibbs in on this whole Rivkin deal. No _WAY._ But Jenny... Couldn't be. She couldn't have set this up... Then again, she kept our little La Grenouille op going under the table. That worked out real well, huh? I just woke up a whole _jet_ because of that one -- and it's been two years.

_*sigh*_ Let it go, OK? Just ... let it go, Tony. That's over. Done. Never gonna see ... _her_ again. _*shiver*_

Dammit, Ziva, where _are_ you?

I gotta find you...

One month... That's all Gibbs is giving me. Vacation... Like he bought that. And Abs... driving me to the airport? She wasn't buying it, either. Said I could drop the "everything's cool" act, that she knew I was freaking out about you not having called or written. Is there anything she and McKnow-It-All _don't_ talk about down in that lab? Geez... But y'know, like always, she's right. I am freaking out. I am. You shoulda seen me -- getting ready for the flight, lying to myself, trying to play it smooth like this is no big deal, just some trip ...

It's killing me, Ziva, not knowing where you are, if you're okay, if you even want to see me...

And here I am... one-way flight to Tel Aviv -- with all these rubbers. Ha HA! Good one, Tony, you _idiot._ What the _hell_ is wrong with me?

God, Ziva, what _IS_ all this? What the hell _happened_ with us? I just don't understand. Any of it.

Definitely gonna need one more drink.

At least.


	16. Our Time Has Passed

Title: The DiNozzo Diaries: Our Time Has Passed  
Author: rekkidbraka  
Rating: T  
Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.  
Category: Romance; Angst  
Disclaimer: No infringement intended.  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Tony's most private thoughts and desires revealed, chapter by chapter

-------------------- The DiNozzo Diaries: Our Time Has Passed ---------------------

_Why are you still in my dreams?_

I thought it was over.

It IS over.

You're gone.

You've been gone.

You're never coming back.

But you're still here.

It's like you never left.

Why?

Why won't you let me go?

Guess I should ask why I can't let YOU go.

But... the scary thing is...

I don't think I really wanna know the answer.

I want Ziva.

I love Ziva.

I can admit it.

I'm ready to move on now.

That's what I tell myself, anyway.

I know it's the truth.

Deep down... I know it's true.

I'm ready.

It's time.

It's over between us.

Isn't it?

Jeanne?


	17. Hot In The City

Title: The DiNozzo Diaries: Hot In The City  
Author: rekkidbraka  
Rating: T  
Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.  
Category: Romance; Angst  
Disclaimer: No infringement intended.  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Tony's most private thoughts and desires revealed, chapter by chapter

-------------------- The DiNozzo Diaries: Hot In The City ---------------------

Ahhhh... Beautiful Tel Aviv. The sun... the sand... the surf...

... the suicide attacks.

OK, it's been awhile since they've had one of those. Good deal. Let's hope the streak continues. I've got enough going on without having to turn into Agent Abroad on a dime.

Now let's see if I can find a cab. And a hotel.

Really shoulda reserved something before I left D.C. Oughta pay attention to those Shatner ads. Damn.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Y'know, as an American special AGENT, you'd think I'd rate a better room than this. The HELL kind of hotel do they think this IS for an international traveler?

Yeah, OK... Bed. Tiny washstand. Toilet. Chair. Desk. Little mirror. Can't hardly see myself. (Is that a zit? How the hell...?)

Where is the MINI-BAR? The MINI-FRIDGE? The CABLE TV WITH FREE MOVIES?!!! NOT HERE, THAT'S WHERE!

Not even a beachfront view. Beach is three miles west -- at least. Lovely overlook of the parking deck for whatever big, boxy, concrete government building that's next door, though. Nice how it blocks out the sunrise and sunset. Brilliant architecture. Really.

Screw it. I need a nap.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mmmm... coffee. Need... COFFEE.

Gibbs would love it here. He _did_ love it here. Well, except for the whole "covering our asses" part. OK, except for the whole "covering MY ass" part. And the whole "Ziva isn't coming back" part. And being here with Vance. Nobody loved that. Anyway, I hardly ever saw him during our last little trip to T.A. Town. Think he was running from café to café, huffing the grind fumes.

And speaking of that... YES! Let's get the day -- the afternoon, I guess; did I sleep THAT long? -- started. Espresso and a roll. Breakfast of champions. Then it's off to catch up with Daddy David. Hope he likes the suit. Got out the Sunday best just for him. Now that we're pals and all. Ever since our little interrogation session I've felt a special closeness to him. Kinda the same feeling I get whenever I'm left alone in a room with a cobra that's set to strike. Not that that's ever happened to me but... if it did... that's... that's how it would be... hanging out... with Ziva's old man.

Where the HELL is that caffeine?!!!

"Excuse me, Miss? Yes... Shalom! One double espresso, please. And a croissant. Thank you. Heh... Well, thanks... y'know, YOU have a lovely smile, too."

Oh yeah... I still got it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scenery here really is lovely. Especially that brunette who just walked by in the little sundress. Great ... shades. You don't see those kind of sun hats much anymore. Or the Coach bag. Kinda retro combo... pretty cool. Sort of a Bianca Jagger thing going on and... Ohhhh yeaaaahhh... She's checkin' me out... Heh heh heh...

Wait... what am I doing? _*Gibbs-slaps self*_

Ziva! You are _HERE_ to find _ZIVA._ Got that, Anthony?

OK, got it. But still ... a guy can look. Just LOOKING! And SHE looked at ME first!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ahhhhhh... If that espresso were sex, I'd need a cigarette right now. Guess I'd need to start smoking. Or having actual sex again. _*sigh*_

So, Ziva, let's track YOU down and get started on that last part. Heh.

_Shut up, Tony. Just shut the hell up.  
_  
"Miss? Another espresso, please? Thanks. Oh... no. No, I'm... I'm not meeting anyone here. Not today. Maybe soon, though."

_I hope._

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anything to tell me, Little Black Book? You had to have spent some time here in town, right?

Let's see... Hmmm... Travel plans to America ... blah blah blah... C'mon, Ziva... Finding a place in D.C. ... Nothing ... Nothing ... Nothing ... Ha HAH! Here we go! "AS" again - good ole Rivkin. Bastard.

_"I have not yet met with AS since my move to Washington and I am eager to see him..."_

Oh, I'll bet.

_"When we last spoke on the phone, he sounded as if he were -- I am sickened to even write this -- completely emotionless. Essentially, as if he were dead, yet still breathing. I fear for him."_

Well... he's not breathing anymore. _*sigh*_

_"It is the same tone AS has always taken whenever SA has found her way back into his life. My worry is that she is pushing him to take actions that he perhaps has not rationally considered. I have begged him to tell me her name. He will not."_

Of COURSE he won't, Ziva. She's a PSYCHO chick. She's got her hooks in Rivkin -- among other things. Bet she's smokin' hot, too. Crazy... bonkers... cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs... but hot as hell. That's always how it works.

_"Father would disagree but I believe AS has been brainwashed..."_

Aw, COME ON! Rivkin? Brainwashed? That big lunkhead? Where's the _brain_ to wash? Please...

_"... and that SA has done this to him. As part of whatever plan she is executing. AT was her first target -- merely out of jealousy. But will not be her last."_

Ziva, c'mon... stop with the initials. Who's "SA"? And "AT"? I got a set for you -- WTF?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hmmm? Oh... No thanks, Miss. I'm cut off. Last call for me. Heh... Uh... I mean, no -- no more espressos for me. Thank you."

Now I see where Ziva gets her understanding of American slang from... NOT. Geez... That chick looked at me like I had three heads.

OK, here's the bill... nice tip for YOU, Miss Pretty Waitress With The Hairy Eyeball... I won't hold a grudge...

Now... back to the Royal Fleabag Hotel and...

... either that's a gun in my back or someone from the Tel Aviv Official Welcoming Committee's REALLY happy to see me.


	18. Who Can It Be Now?

Title: The DiNozzo Diaries: Who Can It Be Now?  
Author: rekkidbraka  
Rating: T  
Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.  
Category: Romance; Angst  
Disclaimer: No infringement intended.  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Tony's most private thoughts and desires revealed, chapter by chapter

-------------------- The DiNozzo Diaries: Who Can It Be Now? ---------------------

I could've taken him. Could've grabbed that chair at the café and swung it around, given that guy one hell of a broken face. Smashed him upside his head. Woulda been a nice James Bond move. No, really. I could've taken him.

Now the _other_ guy? Having a gun really does kinda give you the upper hand.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Note to self: Don't forget to tell Daddy David thanks for the ride over. Saved me from getting hosed again by one of these cabdrivers. That guy at the airport saw me coming. Ridiculous. Didn't even put my bags in the trunk. But he also didn't stick a glock in my back, either, so I shouldn't complain.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ahhhh yeah... I remember this room. Interrogation Central. Where Ziva's old man brings all the boys who show up on the doorstep to take her out for a night on the town, militant attacks aside. Most dads just ask you into the den, then give you the little "Not with _my_ daughter, you don't" chat. Musta been one hell of a prom night for _her_.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dammit, I am TIRED -- of waiting for Old Man David... of being in this hotbox of a room... of not knowing what the HELL is going on and WHY Ziva's old man brought me here because, okay, so I was gonna come look HIM up -- fair enough -- but was it necessary to haul me off the street at gunpoint and have two thugs drive me all over town to this place so I could SIT HERE for, oh I don't know, THREE OR FOUR HOURS BY NOW?!!!

"HEY! COME ON! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!!! DAMMIT, DIRECTOR DAVID, LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH! IS ANYBODY OUT THERE?!!! HELLO?!!!"

God... I gotta get out of here. WHERE IS HE?!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Finally.

Thank God...

Look at him. He hates me. About like every other chick's dad I've come across.

Yeah, I know that look.

Well, right back at 'cha, Pops.

"Director David... Sure glad you could work me in today. _Love_ the suit."


	19. Changes

Title: The DiNozzo Diaries: Changes  
Author: rekkidbraka  
Rating: T  
Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.  
Category: Romance; Angst  
Disclaimer: No infringement intended.  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Tony's most private thoughts and desires revealed, chapter by chapter

-------------------- The DiNozzo Diaries: Changes ---------------------

You think you know a guy.

You think you've got him _all_ figured out and then you step right up to the plate and he throws you the biggest curveball you've ever seen.

And you're just standing there, wondering what the hell just happened, how you got it all so damn wrong, why you took that huge hack and it was just ... swing and a miss. Steeeeeee-rike!

You know what the weirdest part is? He thinks _he_ knows _you._ And he was way off base, too. Didn't know jack. Just had his own ideas about what a jerk you are. Same thing you thought about him.

You were both so sure you were right.

Thing is, in the end, you both end up looking like idiots.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ziva's father?

He's Gibbs: Mossad Division.

One serious badass.

Who would do anything -- and I mean _anything_ -- to protect his daughter. Turned out the best way to do that was to train her to protect herself. Against anything. Or anyone. Even me. Even him.

Main difference between Director David and the Boss, though?

I got a feeling Kelly never used _her_ dolls for target practice.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Director David invited me to stay with him for the remainder of my little visit. Says we "have much to discuss." Ziva's ears must be red hot, wherever she is.

I know this much. She's not here. But I didn't think she would be. Figured Daddy sent her off on a mission. He's not saying where -- yet. But I'll get it out of him. Yeah, he's warming up to me. Gotta admit ... he's not the jackass I made him out to be. Pretty decent guy when he's not three inches from your face, screaming at you. Guess that goes for all of us, right?

Okay... I didn't _want_ to like the guy. But I do. Yeah, I don't get it, either.

Anyway, he sent Ren & Stimpy to get my stuff from the Tel Aviv Hilton of HELL. So I should have my bags by... oh... about ... yeah, I'm not gonna see my bags again.

Got Little Black Book, though. Maybe Double-D knows who Ziva's talking about in here. I sure don't. I'll ask him tonight after dinner.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ahhh... Heckle & Jeckle just brought in my gear. And it's all intact! Ha HAH!

Better call... check in with Abs. Probie's gotta be going through withdrawal by now. Poor kid. I'm his hero, y'know. He tries to act like I bug him but c'mon -- I'm not fooled.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Guess it turns out coming over here was the BEST thing I could've done. I mean, hey -- who needs Tony DiNozzo back at the old HQ, huh? Not GIBBS! Not ABBY! Not McTURNCOAT!

Oh, nooooooooo... SAM's the man! Tony? Tony WHO?!!!

SAM calls Probie "T" and their "thing" is to fist-pump after every hit on a suspect in a case. What was it Abs said? Oh yeah... they're "tight." TIGHT!

SAM bowled a perfect 300 game and the sisters all gave him kisses on the cheek. Abs took a picture of that sweet little scene and the bowling alley hung it up front and center so everyone could remember the moment. SHE'S NEVER ASKED ME TO BOWL WITH THE SISTERS!

Ohhh... Oh ho HO! Here's the BEST one of ALL! Ha ha HAAAAAH!

SAM? Calls the Boss "sir." AND THE BOSS LETS HIM! NOBODY CALLS THE BOSS "SIR"!

But what I hate most about this guy Sam is this...

He's sitting at Ziva's desk.

And Ziva's desk used to be Kate's desk.

Ziva had to work hard to make Kate's desk _her_ desk. She had to _earn_ Kate's desk.

They just _gave_ it to this guy.

Like Ziva's never coming back.

Well, you know what? News flash, SAM...

She _is._


	20. No Line On The Horizon

Title: The DiNozzo Diaries: No Line On The Horizon  
Author: rekkidbraka  
Rating: T  
Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.  
Category: Romance; Angst  
Disclaimer: No infringement intended.  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Tony's most private thoughts and desires revealed, chapter by chapter

-------------------- The DiNozzo Diaries: No Line On The Horizon ---------------------

Fascinating convo with Director David -- guy really knows how to entertain. Great food, great wine -- _lots_ of great wine; lost count after the ... ah, hell ... THIRD bottle? -- GREAT stories about Ziva as a kid.

When Daddy's little angel was 10, she nailed her first-ever target headshot at the shooting range. Double-D got all misty talking about it; major hankie moment for the big guy.

Kid who took her to some high school dance when she was 16 got a case of the grab-hands. Doctors had to _re_-break his wrist in the ER just to insert the pins and screws. I knew she was made of sugar 'n' spice 'n' everything nice.

Didn't have much to say about his other kid. You know, Ari? Wack-job terrorist who killed Kate, wanted to kill the rest of us? Not so many heartwarming stories about Big Brother.

Ari went rogue. Disappointed Double-D. Bigtime.

Bad move.

That's all she wrote.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Daddy D checked out the Little Black Book -- y'know, some of the stuff I was able to copy back at the Hotel Smell Aviv before the Xerox broke down ... like, about ONE PAGE -- and the good news is, he figured out who "AS" is. The bad news is, he was hammered when he did it. Hell if I know if he got it right.

I thought "AS" was Rivkin. Big D says it's Ari. When I asked him how he got "AS" from "Ari Haswari" he opened another bottle of wine and said that in Hebrew, "brother" can translate as "ach shelha" or "strong protector" and that Ziva always called Ari that -- sorta like a pet name. Makes total sense -- if snuggling up to vipers is your thing.

Found out who "AT" is.

David got really quiet after we talked about Ari. Said to be sure and give his deepest condolences to Agent Todd's family, that their loss is his loss as well. Blame's all his, he said. For losing control of his son. No excuse for that, he told me. Gotta agree there.

... I miss you, Kate. We all do.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Still stumped about "SA." David said Ari never mentioned this chick by name but she sounded like a handful and half. That's obviously not how HE put it. I'm just saying that's ... what he meant.

Whoever she was, "SA" went psycho when Ari got the hots for Kate. That was sick enough but this babe thought he was worth fighting for? Jesus Christ ... That's _insane_.

Ziva says Ari sounded "caring" after he met Kate? Yeah... Nothing says "I care" like putting a bullet through the skull of the woman you love. That's romance.

Y'know, this doesn't make sense...

_"He told me he was seeking a way to end his 'poisonous' relationship with SA. He sounded desperate to escape her. She, of course, was unwilling to let him go. AT was in danger from the start. There is no other conclusion. SA was -- perhaps still IS -- ruthless. If she still lives, she must be stopped. Before she destroys another man."_

Okay... Psycho Chick loves Ari. Ari 'loves' Kate. Kate hates Ari. Psycho Chick hates Kate because Ari loves Kate. Ari hates Psycho Chick but loves Kate, who hates Ari.

If Psycho Chick wanted Kate dead... why did ARI pull the trigger?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I need some air. David's boys are gassing up the car. Nice of them to drive me into town for some café time. I hope I live long enough to get that espresso.

David's sending me back there to meet a contact -- Lieutenant Colonel Mann, our old CID pal -- to help find Ziva, he says. Right. Like _he_ doesn't know where she is. Swears he doesn't. Says she's been incommunicado with him, too, since he sent her on a mission to North Africa. Worried sick, he says. Says this isn't like Ziva to completely disappear. Gotta say that he does look freaked.

This is not good.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

OK, guys, you ever hear of a little thing called a BRAKE?!!! Compared to these morons, Ziva drives like my grandma. Are they taking the shortcut to Tel Aviv through JORDAN? Where the hell are they going?!!! Ah, screw it ...

Hmmm... Wonder how Gibbs would like knowing that Mann, his ex... whatever she was, is spending her "retirement" over here working with Mossad on perfecting their investigative techniques. David got that look a guy gets when he's got it bad for a woman as soon as he mentioned her name. I guess she is hot. In a ... cougary, wears combat boots kinda way. You just know there's a camo thong somewhere with her name stenciled on it. Probably in the Boss' basement and...

... yeah, this is _definitely_ not right. Shoulda taken that left turn at Albuquerque.

"Hey! Guys! You sure this is the right road? Guys! GUYS?!!!"

Stopping. Never a good sign. This is going bad.

"You need a map? Because, hey, I'm man enough to ask for directions."

And ... well, what do you know?

There's that glock again. Damn.

"Sure, I'll get out. Felt like stretching my legs anyway."

OK, Tony... They've both got glocks. You've got ... charm.

"Heh... Might wanna watch where you point that thing. I just had dental work done and..."

_Owwwwwww... Unnnnhhhh..._

------------------------------------------------------------------------

_No matter how hard I try, I cannot get out of these handcuffs._

_Trapped..._

_Can't move my arms from over my head. Can't see anything with this blindfold on._

_I'm helpless...  
_  
"MMMMHHHGGGHHH!!!! MMMMPPPHHH!"

_Can't speak. Gagged._

_Something else, too..._

_I'm naked._

_Help me._

_Someone?_

_It's cold in here._


	21. This Is How You Remind Me

Title: The DiNozzo Diaries: This Is How You Remind Me  
Author: rekkidbraka  
Rating: T  
Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.  
Category: Romance; Angst  
Disclaimer: No infringement intended.  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Tony's most private thoughts and desires revealed, chapter by chapter

-------------------- The DiNozzo Diaries: This Is How You Remind Me ---------------------

_Cold... Freezing... Now... so... hot... Burning up..._

_No... water... Can't... move... arms... Can't see... talk..._

_Help..._

_Please..._

"Mmmmpphhh... Arrrggghhmmmphhh... Hmmmphhhh..."_ *moan*_

_Ziva... sorry... couldn't ... find..._

_Love... you..._

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

_Door?_

_God... please... PLEASE..._

"MMMMHHHGGGHHH!!!! MMMMPPPHHH!"

_HELP... ME ... PLEASE ..._

"GGGGHHHH! MMMGGHHHRRRRR!!! MMMMHHHRRR!!!" _*pant* *gasp*_

_Who...? Touching... chest..._

_Woman... A woman..._

_ZIVA?!!!_

_ZIVA!!! ZIVA!!! HELP ME!!!_

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

**"What's the matter, Tony? You used to enjoy this game."**_**  
**  
Voice... Not ... Ziva..._

**"It was always our little secret... remember?"**

_No... God... No... NO... NO..._

**"All those nights you spent in my bed... just like this..."**

_NO!_

**"Telling me you loved me..."**

_NO!_

**"LYING!"**

_NO!_

_HELP! SOMEBODY! HELP ME!_

**"I've missed you."**

_PLEASE... NO..._

_JEANNE..._

_NO...  
_


	22. You Say You Lie

_Title: The DiNozzo Diaries: You Say You Lie  
Author: rekkidbraka  
Rating: T  
Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.  
Category: Romance; Angst  
Disclaimer: No infringement intended.  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Tony's most private thoughts and desires revealed, chapter by chapter_

_-------------------- The DiNozzo Diaries: You Say You Lie ---------------------_

**"Tony ... Don't be afraid ... I would never hurt you ...We_ LOVE _each other ... Lovers don't hurt each other ... "**

_No... No... Please... No... Help... me... God... please... help..._

_"Mmmmmphhh..." *groan*_

**"Unless they're_ LYING _about being in love!"**

_Please... stop... yes... lied... never... loved... you..._

**_"_I thought it would be different with you, Tony ... But you weren't strong enough, were you? You couldn't handle it. Just like the rest of them..."**

_"Hmmmphhhggghhhrrrr... Mmmgrrpphh..." *pant*_

_No... weak... too... weak... not... in... love... not... you... love... Ziva..._

_Ziva... please... help..._

_*groan*_

**"Just like him... He seemed strong at first, too -- so much like you -- but in the end he was so pathetic. Wanting_ HER _-- not_ ME. LYING TO ME! JUST... LIKE... YOU!_"**

_"Uhhhhnnngghh..."_

_Him... who?_

**"If you only knew how many nights I spent pretending you were him..._ *laughs* _How many times I almost said his name instead of yours... "**

_"Nuhhhggghhh..."_

_Him... who?_

**"How much I wanted it to be_ HIM _making love to me instead of _YOU_..."**

_"Mmmhhhmmpphh...." *moan*_

_Him... please... say... who..._

**"How I could_ NEVER _have_ HIM _because_ SHE _took him_ AWAY!_"**

_"Nnnggghh...."_

_WHO? She... who... Not... understand..._

**"How my_ BITCH _of a_ MOTHER _tried to use_ YOU _to turn_ ME _against my_ FATHER!_"**

_"UNNNGGGGHHHHH..." *groan* *pant*_

_Mmm... mmm... mmm-mother? Met... mother... Not... real...? Lied..._

**"You really thought_ SHE _could protect you? From my_ FATHER? _From_ ME?_"_*laughs*_**

_"Ggghhh..."_

_Who... is... mother? Protect... me... from... La... Grenouille... How? Oh... GOD... GOD! NO! NO! NOOOOOOO!_

**"Do you know what happens to the people who_ HURT _me, Tony?_ DO YOU?!!!_"**

_"NNNNHHHGGGHHHMM..." *wheeze*_

_Please... HELP!_

**_"They die."_**

_*swallow*_

_No... Jeanne... please... PLEASE..._


	23. Do You Believe Her?

Title: The DiNozzo Diaries: Do You Believe Her?  
Author: rekkidbraka  
Rating: T  
Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.  
Category: Romance; Angst  
Disclaimer: No infringement intended.  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Tony's most private thoughts and desires revealed, chapter by chapter

-------------------- **The DiNozzo Diaries: Do You Believe Her?** ---------------------

_Dying..._

_Never... see... Ziva... again..._

_Ziva..._

_Love... you..._

_Sorry... never... told..._

------------------------------------------------------------------------

**"Did you think I'd let you get away with _MURDERING_ my _FATHER_, Tony? Especially after you helped _HER KILL HIM?!!! SHE_ didn't get away with it. I made sure of that. She thought everything was over after our little _interrogation session_ at NCIS headquarters where she _DEFENDED_ you -- as if I was going to just walk away and _FORGET_ it all ... _FORGIVE_ you... *laughs* When I asked you if any of it was _real_? Do you _remember_ that, Tony? _DO YOU?!!!_ And you said no? Oh, you looked so _sad_... It was really... *laughs* ... _pathetic_. You're such a _fool_... *laughs* You thought I _CARED?_ And I told you that I wished I'd never met you... *laughs* _You see, Tony?_ _I can lie, too._"**

_Yeah... you... lie... Jeanne... lie..._

**"I _lied_ about so _many_ things -- about ever loving you, Tony..."**

_Good... don't... want... you..._  
**  
"... about wanting to even be with you in the first place. God, Tony... *laughs* I'd have never given someone like you a second look -- but Papa said it was our only way inside NCIS ... after what happened with Ari. He failed us ... ME ... because of HER. "**

_Ari... Kate... Ohhhh... no... NO..._

**"He was supposed to _KILL_ that _BITCH, NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH HER!!!_"**

_Kate... target... _  
**  
"Do you _miss_ her, _Tony?_ _KATE?!!!_ Do you _MISS_ her?!!! _DO... YOU... MISS... KATE?!!!_" **

"MMMMGGGHHHHHRRRR!" *groan*

_YES... _

**"Well, I hope you miss that _WHORE_ every _DAY_ of your _LIFE_, you _LYING BASTARD! BECAUSE THAT WHORE TOOK ARI FROM ME! AND YOU... YOU LYING, BACKSTABBING, MURDERING BASTARD... YOU TOOK MY FATHER FROM ME!_ And... my _MOTHER_... *laughs* ... that _SLUT_ who was _NEVER WORTHY_ of my _FATHER_... who thought ... *laughs* ... she was _ABOVE_ him? That she was so _BRILLIANT_ and so _POWERFUL_ enough to _DESTROY_ him?"**

_Stop... please... Jeanne... no... more..._  
**  
"She's _ROTTING_ in her _GRAVE_ now, Tony. I made _DAMN_ sure of that. And _you?_ *laughs* You _HELPED_."**

"NNNNGGGHHHMMPPPPHHH!!!! NNNNNNNGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!" *pant* *gasp*

_NO! NOOOOOOOO! DAMN... YOU... SHUT... UP.... YOU... LIE..._

**"She's _dead_... because _you_ couldn't handle the _job_, Tony."**

"NNNNMMMGGGHHH... PPLGGGGHHH..." *moan* *sob*

_NOT... TRUTH... TRIED... I ... TRIED... _  
**  
"_Poor Jenny Shepherd ... What a shame..._ *laughs* "**

*sob* "MMMHHMMM HMMM HMMM..." *sob*

_Jenny... Jenny... _

**"You know what your problem is, _Tony?_ You get so _personally_ involved in this... and it's just business. That was Papa's first lesson for me -- _NOTHING_ must ever compromise our business. _Ever._"**

_OUR... business... she... La Grenouille... both... _

**"Papa was furious when I let myself get so close to Ari -- _too_ close, he said. But I loved Ari -- I did, Tony. I still do. I'll _never_ stop loving him."  
**  
_Jeanne... Ari... lovers... _

**"I never _stopped_ loving him... even when I had to _torture_ him..."**  
_  
Unnhhh... Tor... ture... Ari?_

**"... to force him to _kill Kate_."**

*sob* "Mmmgghhh..." *sob*

_Kate... gone... your... fault..._

**"I never thought he'd break. It took so much time. He fought so hard -- the cold ... the heat ... being so helpless... he wasn't used to it -- the handcuffs... the blindfold ... not being able to speak... But _you_, Tony -- you _enjoy_ this... don't you? It used to keep you so turned on ... Aren't you _excited_ now... Tony?"**  
_  
Nuhhh... No... Not..._

**"What will it take for me to turn you on again, Tony?"**

_Unnnhhhh... No... d-don't..._  
**  
"I think you still _want_ me..."**

_Nhhh... don't... want... stop... _

**"You should _enjoy_ this time we have together, Tony..."**

_Please... stop... touching... no... stop... JEANNE... NO..._

**"Because if you think that _bitch_ who killed Ari can _save_ you from me?"**

_Ziva... _

**"She _can't._"**

_Ziva... please... help... me... Jeanne... STOP... TOUCHING..._

_**"She's dead."**_

_NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_

_ZIVA!_

_ZIIIIIIIIIIIII-VAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!_


	24. Every Breath You Take

Title: The DiNozzo Diaries: Every Breath You Take  
Author: rekkidbraka  
Rating: T  
Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.  
Category: Romance; Angst  
Disclaimer: No infringement intended.  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Tony's most private thoughts and desires revealed, chapter by chapter

**-------------------- The DiNozzo Diaries: Every Breath You Take ---------------------**

"NNNNGGGHHHMMPPPPHHH!!!! NNNNNNNGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!" 

**"Fighting me? Won't bring _ZIVA_ back, Tony. _Nothing_ will. I hope you said your goodbyes when you had the chance." *laughs***

_"GGGRRRRHHHHRRRRMMMGGHHH!"_

**"Was she... _special_ to you? Were you more than just partners on the _JOB, TONY?!!!_"**_  
_  
"MMMPPHHHRRGGRRRHH! HHHMMMGGGHHNNNGGHHH..." *pant* *pant*

**"Well... since she's... not coming back? Why don't you just pretend... that I'm _her?_ I always _knew_ that you really wanted _HER_... even when you _SAID_ you wanted _ME!!!_"**

"NNNNNNNHHHHHHH!!!" 

_STOP... NO... DON'T... TOUCH... ME..._

**"Let's play a _NEW_ game, Tony..."**

_DON'T... WANT... YOU..._

_STOP... JEANNE... UNNHHH... MMMHHHH... NNNNHHH..._

**"This should turn you on -- just like when we were together..."**

_JEANNE... DON'T... NO... UNNNHHH..._

**"Ohhh... Tony... Tony... You... still... want... me..."**

_NO... NNNNNHHH... PLEASE... STOP... MMMMGGGHHH... TOUCHING..._

**"Mmmhhh... Tony... Let... me... "**

_NNNNGGGHHH... MMMRRRHHH... NUHHHH... ZZZ... ZIVA..._

**"... just ... relax ... Tony... TONY!"**

_DUUUHHNNN... AAAAHHH... STOP... NOOOOOO... DON'T... **DON'T!!!**  
_**  
*pant* *pant* "_DIE!_" *moan***

_**UNNNNHHHHH...**_

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

*COUGH* *CHOKE* *COUGH* *GASP*

_"Bloody HELL, DiNozzo... God's SAKE, man! Nobody needs to see... this much of you or ANY bloke for that matter. Naked, sweaty, bollocky..."_

_Nuuuuhhhh... NNNUUUHHH..._

*CHOKE* *GAG* 

_"Ah, BUGGER-all! Stop FIGHTING me, ya knobber!"_

"MMMMHHHGGGHHH!!!! MMMMPPPHHH!" *GROAN* *HACK* *HACK*

_"Yah, yah... I'm sure you've got plenty to run off about, nancy-boy, now you've been shagging days on end in this... position. Reckon you missed the news about the actor thought he'd have a go at a little slap and tickle after 'bout strangling HIMSELF, too. Brilliant bloke, that one. Figures you'd follow his act, DiNozzo."_

_Jeanne... made... me..._

*GASP* *WHEEZE*

_"How in God's name you got this little noose 'round your neck with both hands cuffed over that numbskull of yours, though, while blind as a bat? NEVER tell me."_

_Jeanne... strangle... me... _

_Want... death... now..._

*HACK* *COUGH*

_Can't... breathe..._

_Dying... Kort... let... me... die..._

*GASP*

_"DiNOZZO! DAMMIT ALL TO BLOODY HELL!"_

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

_... "Trent, yet again I find myself in debt to you for your expedient service. Were it not for you, I would be explaining to Special Agent Gibbs the... rather odd circumstances surrounding Agent DiNozzo's... untimely demise, shall we say?"_

_... "Dear GOD, Eli, please allow me to erase that bloody horrible image of DiNozzo from my mind, will you? We'll call it even when Ziva's safely returned to you -- and Benoit is finally where she belongs. By the way, Hollis' intel regarding Benoit's movements has been most helpful. Good for DiNozzo that she didn't sleep on his not showing for their little coffee you'd set up. Be sure to thank Mann for me, will you, next time you two... chance to... *ahem* ... meet?"_

_... "Er... Yes, yes... I will... *cough* ... give the Lieutenant Colonel your best, Agent Kort. Jeanne Benoit is proving to be far more formidable a foe than Rene ever was. I must admit I did not foresee this in the offing following his death. This is truly a problem -- for all of us. I worry that Ziva is somehow in her hands. It is unlike Ziva to stay out of touch for so long. Never before has this happened. I fear the worst, Trent. *sigh* As does Agent DiNozzo."_

_... "Your girl's a tough bird, David. If Jeanne Benoit thinks she's got the upper hand there... she's not nearly as wise as you credit her."_

_... "She destroyed Ari. And, it appears, nearly accomplished the same feat with our friend Agent DiNozzo as well."_

_... "True. But they are NOT Ziva."_

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

_... "Eli, should we call Gibbs? I think he should know that Tony is..."_

_... "No, my dear... Not at present. Let us allow Agent DiNozzo to recover here, in the safety of Mossad, before we contact Agent Gibbs or Leon. The young man has been through quite an ordeal."_

_... "But Tony is like a son to Gibbs. If it were Ziva in the same condition, I know that you'd want to... Oh, Eli -- Eli, I'm... I'm sorry. Please forgive me... I didn't..."_

_... "Hollis... dearest... There is no need for apology. Ziva will come home to me. Of that, I am certain. Come... let's leave Agent DiNozzo to his sleep. He needs much of it."_

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

_Kate... Jenny... dead... my... fault..._

_Ziva... gone... too..._

_Jeanne... killed... all..._

_She... kills..._

_Ziva... she... made... me..._

_Couldn't... stop... *sob*_

_Ziva..._

_Ziva...  
_

_Don't... die..._

_Forgive... me...  
_


	25. The Execution Of All Things

Title: The DiNozzo Diaries: The Execution Of All Things  
Author: rekkidbraka  
Rating: T  
Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.  
Category: Romance; Angst  
Disclaimer: No infringement intended.  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Tony's most private thoughts and desires revealed, chapter by chapter

**-------------------- The DiNozzo Diaries: The Execution Of All Things ---------------------**

_I thought I was dreaming again._

_That her voice -- it wasn't real._

_Her hands touching me... all over my body... I was imagining all of it._

_I really thought it couldn't be happening._

_But then... she was... on me..._

_I was... inside..._

_And all of it -- everything -- came back to me... from when we were lovers._

_I didn't want ... it ... to happen._

_I didn't ... want ... her ..._

_I couldn't ... move..._

_Couldn't ... say no... speak... see..._

_Couldn't ...stop ... it... her... on me..._

_She forced... made... me..._

_And it ... just ... it... happened._

_Like... like... it used to..._

_Couldn't ... stop..._

_No... control..._

_I ... I ... didn't want ... it ..._

_... didn't want it ... to be Jeanne ..._

_Didn't ... want ... sex... but ..._

_She... she... wouldn't... STOP... all NIGHT ..._

_Tried not to... FEEL ... her..._

_Not ... to... lose... control..._

_Couldn't... stop... myself..._

_She... kept ... pushing..._

_So ... hard ..._

_I ... couldn't ..._

_I ... lost ..._

_Had... to... let ... go..._

_Nightmare... wouldn't ... end...*sob*_

_I wanted..._

_Wanted... it ..._

_... to be you, Ziva... *sob*_

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

**_"Would you like to hear the details? Of my night with him? It was amazing. Seeing him again... ALL of him... Naked... Vulnerable... Excited..."_**

_"I would much prefer another lashing. The sting of the whip is far less painful than your incessant chatter."_

**_*laughs* "He couldn't get enough of me. It was as if we'd never been apart."_**

_"Your underlings were too heavy-handed with their guns. He obviously awoke with some form of amnesia."_

**_"You don't want to believe he STILL loves ME. I understand. But... what he couldn't say with words? His BODY told me... in NO uncertain terms."_**

_"Perhaps you misunderstood. Tony's communication skills have never been impressive."_

**_"YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH, YOU BITCH! YOU MURDERED ARI! YOU TOOK HIM FROM ME! AND NOW YOU'RE GOING TO SEE HOW IT FEELS TO LOSE THE MAN YOU LOVE!!! YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TONY -- I'LL SEE YOU DEAD AND IN HELL BEFORE YOU DO!!! I'LL NEVER GIVE HIM TO YOU!!! NEVER!!!"_**

_*laughs* "Tony has NEVER been yours to give."_

**_"SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!!! YOU... DON'T... KNOW... ANYTHING!!!"_**

_"And yes... We will someday see one another in Hell..."_

**_"I ... SAID... SHUT... UP!!!!"_**

_"But it will be I who sees YOU dead first... Jeanne."_

_*laughs*  
_


	26. All Cleaned Out

Title: The DiNozzo Diaries: All Cleaned Out  
Author: rekkidbraka  
Rating: T  
Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.  
Category: Romance; Angst  
Disclaimer: No infringement intended.  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Tony's most private thoughts and desires revealed, chapter by chapter

**-------------------- The DiNozzo Diaries: All Cleaned Out ---------------------**

Spent the past week or so in bed. I'm finally feeling... better.

Eli's doctor says I've got some cracked ribs -- yeah, no kidding; feel it every time I breathe -- and these deep cuts on my wrists will heal soon. I think my fuzzy handcuff days are over. Same goes for blindfolds.

I'm still not sure what happened ... wherever I was. If any of it really happened.

The doctor says everything's out of my system now. But ... I didn't have anything _IN_ my system.

_Did I?_

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Got a call from Abs last night. Poor kid. So worried about me she had all the nuns doing double-duty prayer offerings in my name. Said McGee was trying to track my cellphone till he conked out right onto his keyboard. Told you I'm his hero. Ahhh, I'm feelin' the Probie Love...

Abby said Gibbs got a call from Mann. Told him everything that happened to me -- well, far as she knew -- and what bad shape I was in. Hope everything's still kosher with she and Big D because The Bossman gave David an earful.

There's something else.

The Boss? On my six when I woke up this afternoon.

Said I looked slapped around enough so he'll hold off. For a while.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fun dinner tonight with The Boss, Eli, Mann and Yours Truly all playing catch-up. Hit me during the soup course that I was the only guy in the room who hadn't slept with Mann.

I won't be sleeping with anyone for a long time. Probably won't even be sleeping much.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Boss had Eli's doctor send all of his reports on me to Ducky. Wants HIS guy double-checking everything. Says he doesn't understand the whole "everything out of my system" part. David's doc wasn't clear about that. At least not enough for The Boss. You can guess he wasn't happy that I couldn't clear that up for him.

I was handcuffed. I was blindfolded. I was gagged.

Couldn't move. Couldn't see. Couldn't speak.

I just... I _heard_ Jeanne. I _know_ it was her. _SHE_ was there. _SHE_ was real.

But... what she _did_ to me... what I... _think_ she did to me...

... I just don't know if _THAT_ was real.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Been good having The Boss here the past week. For me. Mann has that rat-in-a-coffee-can look; guess having the ex and the current sugar daddy bookending you every morning at the breakfast table does that to a chick. Eli's playing it cool. Twinkle in Bossman's eye. He's enjoying this.

Nothing about Ziva yet. Boss and Eli have been huddling with some Mossad guys on that. Won't tell me a damn thing. Mann keeps saying her intel is sketchy but she needs me to try and remember anything Jeanne might have said about Ziva -- or anything else, really.

She doesn't look like she believes that Ziva's dead, either.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

What I don't get is, what happened... to Jeanne?

She claimed she knew nothing about her old man's arms dealing -- his "other life." But Mann says that's a lie; Jeanne's been in with Papa since she was old enough to help out Daddy-O run guns. Brought up in the business. Sorta like how Eli trained Ziva to be Mossad when she was little, except that Rene trained Jeanne to be a terrorist-arming torturing psycho. Med school? Residency at the hospital? All for cover. Yeah, The Frog was one shrewd dude -- had his little girl looking really legit in order to establish an ops base in D.C. that nobody would pay attention to.

Until Jenny came to town. And everything took a French twist he and Dr. Evil didn't expect. Yeah... those pink scrubs of hers. Probably didn't have any in a blood-spatter pattern.

Jeanne was playing me... just like I was playing her.

I guess she was just a lot better at living the lie than I ever was.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mann says there's a lot more intel on Jeanne -- and La Grenouille -- for me. She'll tell me -- in time. There was this weird moment where I told Mann what Jeanne said about Jenny being her "real" mother and Mann got waaaay too quiet. Just said Jenny was a wonderful colleague and she wished she'd gotten to know her better. Mann's hiding something; she knows a HELL of a lot more about that than she's letting on.

I wonder if Gibbs knows... about Jenny? And Jeanne?

Eli's keeping a lid on what I need to know and when I need to know it. Guy never really trusts anyone. Not completely.

Now I see where Ziva gets that, too.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ducky called.

He went over Eli's doctor's labs on me with a fine tooth comb. I mean, it's _Ducky_.

He says there was evidence that large doses of ketamine had been administered to me.

By injection.

Ducky says ketamine "induces amnesia."

He told me that "some ketamine experiences involve a terrifying feeling of almost complete sensory detachment that is likened to a near-death experience." Like having a bad trip on LSD, he said.

You know ketamine.

It's the date-rape drug.

Ducky says there was so much of it in my system, apparently, that I should've been climbing the walls with hallucinations. Guess the handcuffs kept that from happening, huh? Ducky says he's amazed I can remember anything.

Gibbs asked him to check... well... something else.

When Kort found me, Eli's Mossad guys were on HIS six. One of them was a medic. They must all be on the hunt for Jeanne because Kort told the doctor that the med guy started taking DNA samples -- swabbing me everywhere and, uh, anywhere -- for ... how can I put this? ... _"evidence"_ of her.

All they found was her DNA on that silk scarf she tried to strangle me with. Skin cells. Some lipstick. That and the DNA they found on the syringes the good doctor used to shoot me up with all that ketamine.

When the medic... swabbed me ... in those "other" places...

... I was _clean_.

Not _any_ of her DNA ... on me ... in _those_ areas. Just on my chest... on my neck... where she tied the scarf when she tried to _kill_ me.

We didn't ... _SHE_ didn't ... I never...

_Thank God._

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ribs still hurt. Wrists bandaged up. Gotta pull it together.

Ziva's out there.

I told The Boss this morning that we gotta find Ziva first. Make sure she's safe. Get her healed up if she's hurt.

We're gonna need her.

To take out _Jeanne_.


	27. Unknown Caller

Title: The DiNozzo Diaries: Unknown Caller  
Author: rekkidbraka  
Rating: T  
Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.  
Category: Romance; Angst  
Disclaimer: No infringement intended.  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Tony's most private thoughts and desires revealed, chapter by chapter

-------------------- **The DiNozzo Diaries: Unknown Caller** ---------------------

_"Something wrong, Doctor? You sound much more frustrated than usual. Are you beginning to doubt your own lies about Tony?"_

_**"You don't LISTEN, do you? How many times do I have to TELL you to BE QUIET?!!!" [slap]**_

_"You did not have sex with him. What a terrible liar you are. How your father ever believed you were to be trusted with his organization, I cannot imagine."_  
**_  
"DON'T YOU EVER SPEAK ABOUT MY FATHER! NOT EVER!"_**  
_  
"Ari said he considered you a potential... liability."_

_**"STOP YOUR LIES!" [slap]**_

_"THAT LA GRENOUILLE SENT YOU TO MEDICAL SCHOOL IN HOPES THAT HE COULD EVENTUALLY FIND A MEANS OF CUTTING YOU OUT OF HIS BUSINESS -- HE DID NOT THINK YOU WERE CAPABLE OF TAKING OVER!"_  
**_  
"LIAR! YOU LYING BITCH! MY FATHER LOVED ME! HE WANTED MY HELP! YOU LIAR!!!"_**

_"HE WAS GROOMING ARI TO TAKE OVER... BECAUSE HE TRULY WANTED A SON, NOT A DAUGHTER!!!"_

_**"I'LL KILL YOU! YOU'LL DIE! TONY WILL WATCH... YOU... DIE!" [backhand slap]**_

_*laughs* "Silly GIRL! TONY will watch a DEATH, indeed -- YOURS!"_

_**"I AM NOT... AFRAID... OF YOU!!!"**_

_"And THAT... is why you have just signed your OWN death certificate."_

_**[choking]**_

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"YEAH, Boss! On your six! Just... moving a little... slower than usual. Lot... slower than usual." [gritting teeth]

GOD, these cracked ribs... Ahhhhhggghhh... Ow! Ow! OW! About as... ahhh... painful as a... oooh... date with McGeek must be... gaaahhhh... Unnnnhhh... *pant*

Damn... cellphone... Must be Abs with today's Dial-A-Prayer. I need it, too. *whine*

"Yo, Abs! In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit... blah blah blah... It's been so long since my last confession that ..."

[silence]

"Hello?"

*swallows* THEM again... Son of a...

"Who is this?"

[silence]

"Whoever you are... I'm GOING to find you. I'm already on your trail."

[silence]

"Listen, dammit to hell... I want to talk to ZIVA right NOW, and..."

**"Hello again... Tony."**

_Oh my God..._

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Why the _HELL_ do you have _ZIVA's_ phone?"

**"Not even a hello for me? After everything that happened between us? I thought we were... close again."**

"_NOTHING HAPPENED._ Except that you shot me up with so much date-rape drug I should be the poster boy for the next 'Just Say No' campaign. Oh, and the part where you tried to _STRANGLE_ me -- while I was _cuffed_... and _blindfolded_... and _gagged_. If that's what you consider 'close,' _JEANNE_, then _yeah_... we're _REAL_ tight."

**"Don't be so dramatic, TONY... I remember when you BEGGED me to play those kind of... games with you. And you were never the victim."**

"Yeah, well, _believe_ me, baby... I'm doing my best to _FORGET ANYTHING_ that ever involved you, me and anything sweaty."

**"You BASTARD! You LET me MAKE LOVE to you AGAIN when we were TOGETHER! You ENJOYED it -- ALL OF IT!!! DON'T PRETEND IT DIDN'T HAPPEN!"**

"You can keep telling yourself whatever you need to, _Jeanne_, but I know the _TRUTH_ -- you never _TOUCHED_ me! _YOU JUST TRIED TO KILL ME! NOW WHERE THE HELL IS ZIVA?!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HER, YOU..._"

[click]

_DAMMIT, TONY! DAMMIT TO HELL, YOU IDIOT! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!!!_

_ZIVA..._

_GOD... GOD... GOD..._

_WHEN WILL THIS END, DAMMIT?!!!_

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thought the Boss was gonna chew me out for holding up the meeting Eli set up between his senior Mossad officers, Mann, _Kort_ (now I _owe_ that guy, dammit...) and the two of us. Had that look he gets when McGeek starts running off about bits and bytes and pings and pongs. Probably the same look he used to get during the old gunny days just before a kill.

Didn't get an earful, though. He just told me his coffee was cold -- get him a refill.

Not good. Not good at all.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Been a while since you and I had some alone time, Little Black Book. Talk to me, Ziva...

_"Ari's letters are coming less frequently. His writing seems hurried, frantic. SA, who he has still not identified to me or to Father, must be intensely pressuring him in some manner..."_

'Pressuring him in some manner' -- handcuffs, a blindfold, gagging and having Dr. Evil mainline you with the date-rape drug? That'll stress a guy out. Sure sounds like Miss Congeniality herself -- Jeanne. But why is Ziva calling her 'SA'? What's that mean? Maybe it's Hebrew for 'Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Killer Psycho Strangler." I'll have to ask Eli for a translation.

"Boss! Ha ha HAH! Didn't see you there! And me without my... jammies." [closes book] "Soooo... What's the good word?" *smiles*

"Kinda... cold in here, isn't it?" *grimaces*

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ah, Probie-Wan... Master Geek of the McUniverse...

Everybody should have a Probie for their very own. He slices! He dices! He... traces Psychotic Ex-Girlfriend Gun-Running Murderers' cellphone calls!

Turns out Probester WAS able to figure out where all those 'mystery' calls to my phone -- the ones supposedly from Ziva but not really -- were coming from. Couldn't do it with _ME_ standing over him -- oh _NOOOO_ -- but The Boss says 'boo' and McGoo pulls a magic McRabbit out of his patented Probie pocket protector!

Asked Bossman how he pulled _that_ one off.

Told me "Ya oughta work on your people skills, DiNozzo."

Good one, Boss.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks to McGee's tracer, we triangulated Jeanne's call from yesterday.

That little Reach Out And Touch Someone idea of hers? Not real smart.

Mossad, Mann and Kort had some intel on where she might be. Now we've got a pretty good lock on her whereabouts.

And where Jeanne is?

Is where I'm gonna find _Ziva_.


	28. I Will Follow You Into The Dark

Title: The DiNozzo Diaries: I Will Follow You Into The Dark  
Author: rekkidbraka  
Rating: T  
Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.  
Category: Romance; Angst  
Disclaimer: No infringement intended.  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Tony's most private thoughts and desires revealed, chapter by chapter

-------------------- **The DiNozzo Diaries: I Will Follow You Into The Dark** ---------------------

Ribs still KILLING me. Wrist cuts? I can deal. Still pretty weak from my little tango with Dr. Doom but I'll live. Despite her best efforts.

Gotta hang in there. Gotta man up for this one.

No bailing. Can't punk out.

Boss says we're outta here before sunrise. Way before sunrise.

We're coming, Ziva.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Sabah al-khair..." [Male voice: "Good morning..."]

_"Matha tureed? " [Ziva: "What do you want?"]_

"Hal tatakallam al-ingliziyyah?" [Male voice: "Do you speak English?"]

_"Idrukkini! " [Ziva: "Leave me ALONE!"]_

*whispers* "Ana Ismi CALLAN... " [Male voice: "My name is CALLAN..."]

_*whispers* "Callan? Why are you speaking Arabic? Why not just speak English to me?"_

*whispers* "Wasn't sure if I could trust you. Still not sure. But I'm here to help. A friend sent me. From NCIS."

_*whispers* "Tony..."_

*whispers* "Who?"

_*whispers* "No... Gibbs!"_

*whispers* "Nope, but good guess."

_*whispers* "How did you get in here?"_

*whispers* "A gentleman never tells."

_*whispers* "Ah... a man after my own heart."_

*whispers* "Sounds like a plan to me."

_*whispers* "Fine, then. Let us flirt ... AFTER I am unshackled."_

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'll just say this about what happens when you cross Eli David: It ain't pretty.

The guys Jeanne sent to kidnap me? Heard some of the Mossad guys chatting and a couple things happened after that little... um... "incident."

One, the two Mossad agents who were REALLY supposed to drive me to meet Mann at the cafe in town and got overtaken by Jeanne's tag-team of Heckle and Jeckle? Undergoing... how'd they put it? ... oh yeah ... "re-training." In the desert. Yeeeeeah... Sucks to be them.

Two, Heckle and Jeckle?

Mossad agents just said they've been "handled." Whenever Ziva says that, I know it's game over for someone, somewhere.

Thanks, Eli. Hope I -- the Boss and I -- can return the favor today.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Later that day ...]

Patience. It's a virtue, all right. Especially when you're sweating it out here in the desert. And need to pee. Tough peeing in front of Mossad. And Mann. And Kort. And Gibbs.

I gotta go so bad. How do camels STAND it?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

[That night ...]

Ahhhhh... MUCH better.

*whispers* "On your six, Boss! Yeah, I just went... Don't worry... Geez..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Late that night ...]

We've found Jeanne's little snake pit. Staking it out now. Been watching it all day. No signs of movement yet. I was ready to hit it when we got here but Bossman says wait. So we've been waiting. Boss knows best.

Gotta be close to go-time now, though. C'mon, Gibbs! Ziva's IN there! Who KNOWS what Jeanne's doing to HER?

Or already finished doing.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Post-midnight hours...]

DAMMIT, BOSS! WHY AREN'T WE MAKING A MOVE?!!! We're just SITTING here on our HANDS while Jeanne is in there...

*building explodes*

NO! NO, DAMMIT, NO! NO! NO!

"ZIVAAAAAA! NOOOOOOOOO! ZIIIIIIIIIIII-VAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

She's gone.

Ziva's gone.

Dead.

Just like Jeanne told me.

Ziva's gone.

I can't... *sob*

"Ziva..." *sobbing*

_"Tony?"_

Ziva... Ziva? ZIVA!

"ZIVA!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

God, she smells incredible. Forgot how soft her skin is... her hair...

Holding her... like this... just... wanna kiss her... everywhere...

Little thinner... Gotta get some meat back on her... Need her strong...

She was so cold when she found us... Warming up now... finally...

Collapsed right into my arms... worn out... beaten... bloody...

DAMN you, Jeanne. I hope you're burning in HELL right now.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Long plane ride back to Tel Aviv... She needs her sleep...

So do I ... but I can't ... can't stop watching her...

"You get your beauty sleep, Sweet Cheeks."

*soft kiss*

I got you, Ziva. You ain't gettin' outta my sight again.

And when you're ready -- when we're ready...

... you aren't gettin' outta my bed for a long time, either. *smile*

"I love you, Ziva. We're goin' home."


	29. Soul Meets Body

Title: The DiNozzo Diaries: Soul Meets Body  
Author: rekkidbraka  
Rating: T  
Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.  
Category: Romance; Angst  
Disclaimer: No infringement intended.  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Tony's most private thoughts and desires revealed, chapter by chapter

-------------------- **The DiNozzo Diaries: Soul Meets Body** ---------------------

We landed this morning in Tel Aviv just as the sun rose.

It was beautiful ... Never really paid attention to the sunrise before but it was amazing.

I didn't wake Ziva. She needs all the sleep she can get right now.

And we're gonna see a lot of sunrises together.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Eli was beside himself when we carried Ziva off the plane. He didn't cry -- nothing like that -- but you could just see the relief on his face. I think he really believed she was gone this time. I know I did. Especially after that blast. Gibbs flinched, too, when it happened. That's one time the Boss looked spooked.

Gibbs huddled with that Callan guy the whole plane ride back. Turns out he's NCIS, too. They look like they go way back, the way Boss was hunkered down with him, getting info. Who sent him here? Gibbs looked confused -- totally un-Bosslike. Mann was conked out. Kort stayed behind to investigate. He's charged with shutting down La Grenouille's arms business, which Jeanne's now taken over. Guess there wasn't as much cash in the sawbones game as she thought. More money in running guns and hobnobbing with the world's terrorist scum instead of hitting the annual AMA convention in St. Paul or wherever. But she'd been helping her old man all along so it isn't like she wasn't ready to roll after he met his maker.

Kort told us he'd let us know if Jeanne died in the explosion or if she somehow escaped. I know how I'd personally like that little scenario to end but if I had to lay money on it, I'd double-down on the ex hopping her broom right before the big bang.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Eli had Ziva taken to the hospital soon as we touched down. Whole team of doctors waiting. I wanted to go but they tore outta there in that ambulance so fast I didn't even know which end was up.

I said she wasn't getting out of my sight and she's already gone again.

Nice, Anthony. Real nice.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Boss is zonked. Not going anywhere near him. Making up a new rule: "Let sleeping Gibbs lie."

Mann's still dead to the world. I think the stress of having Eli and the Boss pulling her this way and that finally just did her in.

And Callan? Nice guy. Just fell right onto the last guest bed in the house -- MY guest bed!

OK, so he says he was sent to find Ziva "by NCIS." First of all, I wanna know who sent him if Gibbs wasn't in on it. Second, finding Ziva was MY plan and I was on it. WITH Gibbs. Sure, I appreciate Callan helping her but it's not like I wasn't getting it done. We were THERE.

Oh... and one more thing: The way he kept looking at Ziva all the way back on the plane? I don't like it. At all.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

No word from Eli from the hospital yet. Ziva's gotta be OK. She was a little banged up, dehydrated, but nothing she couldn't handle. Just slept a lot on the way back. DAMMIT, why doesn't he call? C'mon, Eli...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nowhere to sleep around this place. Can't bunk with Gibbs. Mann's in Eli's room. Callan STOLE my bed.

That leaves Ziva's bedroom.

I shouldn't. Eli's gonna bring her home from the hospital and GOD knows I don't want him finding me in her bed but...

... I'm just so ... _*yawwwwnnnn*_ ... sleepy.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Woke up around... I don't know when ... and she was lying here._

_Head on my chest, arm around me, black hair everywhere._

_Don't know how long I'd been asleep, but she was awake -- watching me._

_I told her. I told her I love her. Whispered it but she heard. Turns out she loves me, too. She told me so._

_It's gonna be great whenever we finally make love. I know it is. No games. No tricks. Just us._

_But tonight, this is perfect. This is all I want._

_This is everything._

------------------------------------------------------------------------

All I'll say is this: I was willing to wait until she was ready, until she was in better shape -- whatever she wanted.

Ziva? She had other ideas.

The slump I was in when I started this journal -- yeah, that's over. For good.

I'm batting a thousand now. Ahhhhh...

God, I hope Eli didn't hear anything. These walls are thinner than McGeek's list of available chicks for a date night.

And I'm, uh... glad I brought those extra condoms, too.


	30. About A Girl

Title: The DiNozzo Diaries: About A Girl  
Author: rekkidbraka  
Rating: T  
Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.  
Category: Romance; Angst  
Disclaimer: No infringement intended.  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Tony's most private thoughts and desires revealed, chapter by chapter

-------------------- **The DiNozzo Diaries: About A Girl** ---------------------

Ziva's spending some quality time with Eli this afternoon. That's good. They need to work out some stuff. Ziva and I still have some unfinished Rivkin business to take care of but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Right now I'm just taking it a day at a time and seeing where we go from here. For once, I'm trying to let myself enjoy being with a woman -- being in love. It's nice. I'd like to NOT wreck it.

Speaking of wrecks, that Callan guy looks like hell. And we've been back a couple days now. Gibbs is headed back to D.C. and sending Callan packing today, too -- back to the L.A. NCIS playpen. That's his base. Who's his best buddy? SAM! Yeah, SAM who fist-pumps Probie... SAM who bowls perfect games with Abby and the nuns... SAM who calls the Boss 'sir' and doesn't get slapped in the back of the head!

I asked Callan point-blank before he and Gibbs left for the airport just who sent him over here. He just smiled at me and tried that "someone from NCIS" jazz again but I told him to give it up.

Sam put in the call to his boss in L.A. Told her Callan needed to infiltrate Jeanne's base. Said it was the least he could do after messing up Ziva's desk. Hmmm... Maybe I was wrong about the guy.

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeah...

I was buying the "Sam's a great guy" part. Until Probie-Wan called later and 'fessed up that he still has those bikini shots of Ziva on his computer and showed them to Sam. Who said they were smokin'. Who forwarded them. To CALLAN.

Fatal error, McGoo. Because when Ziva hears about that -- and she won't unless I tell her and -- HAH! what are the chances of THAT? -- she's gonna see red. As in blood. As in yours. Since you were supposed to delete them. And you didn't. Liar, liar, McGeek on fire...

Callan said to let Ziva know she's always got a place in L.A. to stay if she comes to town. Tell her to bring the black bikini.

He winked at me.

Man, I hate that guy.

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Who'd have thought, of all the people she could've told, Jenny'd have told Hollis the truth about what really happened all those years ago with La Grenouille? Gibbs never knew. Ziva never knew. She sure as hell didn't tell me. Not even Ducky knew.

Why Hollis? There's something about Gibbs that gets his chicks talking. That and a few shots of scotch late one night at NCIS when everyone was outta there? Instant girl-talk.

Mann and I finally made it to that café in Tel Aviv -- without being kidnapped -- and she filled me in on everything. About Jenny. And Jeanne. And La Grenouille.

It's not exactly a heartwarming tale of love and family. Think Greek tragedy, except without the Greeks and more tragedy than you can shake a toga at.

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The Colonel sent Jenny to Paris when she was 15 -- you know, the old "classical schooling abroad" bit -- and, I mean, c'mon... hot American redhead? Trouble in the making.

But Jenny met a guy, couple years older -- Alain Marat -- 18, student at the university. Studying economics. Boring as hell to the kid. His dream? Wanted to start his own winery in the South of France. Said his uncle promised him if he'd just get that economics degree, he'd set the kid up in winemaking -- wanted Alain to understand the inner workings of business. Uncle raised the kid from the time he was a boy after his dad and mom were shot to death by some robbers. Kid never forgot seeing them die; had nightmares about it all his life. Jenny told Hollis her dad thought she'd started fooling around with some boys back home on the base but it was just teenage guys talking; she was a virgin when she went to France. Alain told her he'd wait until she was ready -- no hurry. She was still just a kid but... he loved her.

Alain wanted to make Jenny's 16th birthday special -- Colonel couldn't come to Paris to be with her -- so he took her to spend the week with his uncle -- his late mom's younger brother -- at the uncle's resort home on the Riviera. Uncle took an instant liking to Jenny, said he thought she was perfect for Alain -- were they planning to marry when she was of age? Guy was a real charmer. Told her to think of him as family, that he'd raised Alain like his own son. Jenny was impressed. What girl wouldn't be, right?

Jenny wakes up one day on the vacation and Alain's already gone. Uncle sent him off to check out some land -- for that winery he's planning. Gonna take Alain all day, most of the evening to get back. Uncle says it's a perfect day to take his horses out for a ride in the near hills. Jenny's game. Never been on a horse before. Uncle says she's going to enjoy the experience; he'll take care of her, nothing to worry about.

They take a little picnic spread with them -- some bread, cheese, wine... Jenny's never had wine before; Colonel wouldn't hear of his daughter drinking -- and the Uncle tells her in France wine is the lifeblood of the people. It isn't long before she's sleepy from the sun, the wine, the long ride... Uncle says she can sleep right there, with him keeping watch... over his "son's" beautiful future bride.

Everything's spinning when Jenny comes to. Uncle's next to her, stroking that pretty red hair, whispering how lovely she is...

After that, until the sun goes down, it isn't Alain's name she's calling out all afternoon.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

And when Alain dies in an accident on his way back to the Uncle's resort, when a car runs him off the road on the motorcycle he'd taken to look at the winery land, Jenny's devastated. The guilt of what happened that afternoon eats at her; she blames herself for Alain's death -- if she'd gone with him, he might've left earlier. Certainly, she wouldn't have made love with his uncle. Maybe she'd have made love to Alain. But he died thinking she was waiting for him. And she didn't.

She betrayed him. In the worst way.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back in Paris about a month later, she's trying to move on. Hasn't had any contact with Alain's uncle since the funeral. Never let him touch her again after that one time. Never wants to see him again.

When she figures out she's pregnant, she has to make contact.

She's only 16. What is she going to tell the Colonel?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Amazingly, it all works out -- the so-called perfect plan falls into place.

She begs her father to let her stay in Paris. She's happy there. He's glad to hear that she's settled down, focused on school now. He's sorry he won't be able to visit because he's been reassigned to a base in Hawaii; important military business and no time to get away. He hates that. He misses her. She understands and she's not lonely; she's got lots of good friends at school. Everything's fine. Colonel never finds out about the pregnancy.

When the baby comes, it's bad news for Jenny. Baby was born in distress, not breathing. Doctors took it away immediately to try saving it but they couldn't. Her baby was stillborn, she's told.

Alain's uncle -- the baby's father -- Rene Benoit ... he tells her that she would have been a lovely young mother.

She never sees him again.

Until one day. When she does.

And the lies and old feelings and, eventually, the hatred for everything that happened so long ago -- all of it comes back when they find themselves together again. She finds out things about him -- horrible things. Things like how he killed Alain's parents. And Alain. Maybe that's all she finds out about him, how he lies and murders.

Maybe it isn't.

Finally, years later, she ends it. And him.

With my help.

And, really, with Jeanne's.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

There's just one thing, and it's something Jenny doesn't know -- she never finds out. Not as far as Mann knows. Or I knew.

The baby lived.

She started breathing and screaming and crying, just like any other newborn baby, and instead of the doctors taking her back to her mother ...

... she was quickly taken by her father. By La Grenouille.

Little Black Book doesn't say much about Jeanne -- Ziva called her "SA" for "son amour," French for "his lover" ('cause Ari only referred to Jeanne -- like, to Ziva and Eli -- as "mon amour") -- but I guess Jeanne trusted Ari enough to tell him a little about growing up Grenouille, which, in a rare moment of humanlike behavior for him, he spilled to Ziva. Ziva swears that there was a 'decent' side to Ari before Rene and Jeanne apparently got to him but, sorry -- he killed Kate. I'm a little skeptical of his decency after seeing the back of my partner's head blown off.

I love Ziva; I know Ari was her brother. But Ari was a monster. And I'll never forgive him for what he did. Not that she asked me to. Or thinks he deserves that. He "loved" Kate? Yeah. To death.

Anyway, here's what Daddy's Little Angel says about Life With Father -- or what Ari told Ziva she said, so who knows if it's true? Looks like Ziva and Ari weren't exactly in lockstep about giving Eli a Father of the Year award, either. Hmmm...

_"Ari grew angry last night during our phone conversation when I asked if he had spoken with Father recently. He laughed in that way he has that I cannot stand and said of course he hadn't -- that trying to have a talk with Papa is like trying to hold conversation with a rock. Yes, I know that Father can be difficult to reason with but does Ari even try? He does not."_

_"Once again, Ari brought his girlfriend into the debate. Apparently, she also has frequent disagreements with her father -- tearful, emotional outbursts that leave her, Ari claims, in a violent, dangerous mood that frightens even him. And Ari is not one to scare easily. Ari once asked her what her mother thought of these clashes and she told Ari that her mother had not wanted to have her and had wanted an abortion but her father had insisted that she be born and had raised her himself because her mother so despised her that she demanded she never be part of SA's life. During her father's more drunken evenings, spent alone, reminiscing about SA's birth mother, he told SA that someday she would meet her mother again -- most likely, under the gruesome circumstances surrounding his own death..."_

Reading that, I almost feel sorry for Jeanne, believing La Grenouille's lies about Jenny.

But then I remember how she tried to kill me, how she tortured Ziva and probably would've killed her, how she claims she had a hand in Jenny's murder -- and Kate's...

... and all I think is that the rotten apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mann got a look at the intel Kort's been keeping on Jeanne for, like, ever. That dinner date Jeanne and I had with her "mom" way back when?

"Mother" was a Washington D.C.-area community theater actress. Someone Jeanne just hired to play Mommy for a night. Sure fooled me. That evening was a nightmare. Almost as horrible as my little 'tryst' with Dr. Doom back outside of Tel Aviv.

What's sad is, that was Mom's final role.

A few months later, they found her remains in some remote northern Virginia woods. Single bullet hole in her skull.

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I don't know if Jenny ever knew Jeanne was her daughter. If she did, I don't understand why she used me to get revenge on La Grenouille. But Jenny's gone now and I'll never know. So I should let her rest in the peace she didn't have when she was alive. Jeanne sure as hell won't.

And as long as I'm alive and Ziva's with me, Jeanne's not gonna give us any peace either.

That's OK. My ninja's back now.

I'm whole again.

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_**NOTE:** This ends the first part of "The DiNozzo Diaries." But look for "The DiNozzo Diaries 2," coming soon._


End file.
